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Topic: Gay Survivor Journal (Read 2738 times)

Rhune
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Gay Survivor Journal
« on: May 18^th, 2002, 3:22am »

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http://survivornews.net/article?id=69

Gay Survivor Journal - Week 12
With the pressures of the impending finale upon me, I decided to take a long-needed break. I made a plan hoping to leave all thoughts of Survivor Marquesas behind me
BY LARRY JOHNSON
Friday, May. 17, 2002

As I lay on the tropical sands, a Pina Colada in my hand I found myself in a new series one where toned, tanned, well-coiffed gay men cavort semi-naked (in black, of course, or not at all) on the pristine white beach muscles rippling (but never sweaty or dirty,) challenging each other to exciting feats of athleticism and taking their just rewards for victories well earned

Then the alarm rang. I woke up and took out the porn video.

So much for reality.

I know that there may be those of you who, by a loving and merciful God, were spared the 44-minute Jerry-Springeresque-bitchfest entitled Survivor Marquesas Episode 12. To summarize:

The reward challenge involved bits and pieces of the 10 lamest challenges ever created, all rolled into one unsurpassably lame uber-challenge! Oh, joy! Sean miraculously won, despite having failed miserably in all of these challenges the first time around. I had to rewind to make sure that it was actually Sean, and not a stunt double. Perhaps the fact that the prize was a Saturn VUE inspired Sean to finally get off his ass and actually try?

The Immunity challenge required the contestants to stare at Jeff Probst for what seemed like hours while he recited an indescribably tedious bunch of historical facts about the Marquesian people. This feat alone should have been enough, but then they actually had to remember what he said in order to answer a series of questions and collect tacky made-in-China tikis, which they assembled on an equally tacky coat-hanger necklace. Kathy, no stranger to tacky jewelry, (see my Citation below,) won the challenge, and subsequently booted Requisite-Lazy-Angry-Black-Brah-Sean Rector in perhaps the most satisfying tribal council ever.

SOLIANTU TRIBE
(Aka: Holy-one-two)

Neleh Dennis
Unfortunately, all signs of the cleanup Neleh got in week 11 have vanished, and her do has gone from gee-her-hair-smells-terrific to what climbed on her head and died? Note to Mark Burnett: In future series, in the emergency kit, there should be conditioning shampoo and a blow dryer for the express use of the Colleen-Clone-Survivor-Sweetheart-wannabe.

Neleh gets an Attitude Adjustment this week for her smug self-satisfied smile after Sean was voted out. Remember, Neleh, a Diva always wins but is humble in victory.

Quote of the week:
(To Kathy, subtly trying to sway her vote

I would absolutely be pukey sick if you and Vee and Sean are at the end. I would just throw up. (Now dont sugar-coat it, Neleh, tell us how you really feel.)
Fashion Citation for a do that doesnt: -25
Attitude Adjustment for Smug Sweetpea: -25

Paschal English
Pappys embarrassing moment of the week arrived as he tripped over his own feet, and torch in hand, fell face first into the Marquesian soil. I realize it is cruel to laugh at the elderly and infirm, but I couldnt help but think: Ive fallen and I cant get up!

Quotes of the week
(Subtly trying to sway a confused Kathy

You shouldnt be confused. This is so plain to me, its sickening.
Jerry Springer Quote #1:
(And best quote of week 12)
(As Sean deflected finger-pointing

Well, Ill point it at you! (This is the king of catch phrase every show needs like you had me at hello or show me the money kids and adults worldwide will soon be saying Well, Ill point it at you!)
Jerry Springer Quote #2:
(To Sean

If youd just listen once in a while, instead of running your mouth all the time!
Jerry Springer Deductions: -50
Hip Replacement Surgery Candidate Deduction: -25
Best Quote of Week Twelve: 50

Sean Rector
(Deceased 5/16/02.) What can I say about Seans departure? A thousand hoorays and a yippee or two wouldnt even begin to describe the sheer bliss I had watching them boot his sorry ass off the island.

But before I go on skewering him Id like to say a few words in his defense.

Just kidding.

On his way out the door, Sean earns the last of his numerous Fashion Citations this week. As he entered his new Saturn VUE, sweaty from the challenge, dripping in sea water, wearing his filthy navy and black patterned swim shorts, with his braids practically dripping with grease, I couldnt help but think: those car seats are ruined forever.

Quotes of the Week
By no means is there a Vee and Sean connection thats on the down-low. (I agree, Sean. Its on the up-high.)
I can do all things through Christ Jesus! (All things, it would appear, except win Survivor. Could it be that Christ Jesus likes Mormons better?)
Jerry Springer Quote #1:
(Responding to Nelehs Sssh

You aint gonna' shush me up! Vote me out, but Im gonna' speak my mind! (Vote you out? Gee. We never thought of that. Thanks.)
Jerry Springer Quote #2:
Come on! I know Im young, and I might talk a whole lot, but some of the stuff might make sense! (Actually, no Sean, it doesnt.)
Jerry Springer Deduction: -50
Fashion Citation for an unwelcome new-car scent: -25

Vecepia Towery
In what may very well be her last week, Vee still had very little to say. Even in the most heated group argument, with even wimpy Neleh speaking up, Vee didnt have one word to add. I used to think she was shrewdly playing it under-the-radar. Now Im beginning to think perhaps girlfriend is just dull.

Quote of the week
Its best to try to get as much of it out in the open as we can. Id hate for all of us to go to bed still feeling uncomfortable. (Yeah, it would be a shame to lie down to sleep on the dirt in your filthy clothes and nappy hair, and also feel uncomfortable. Now that would suck!)
M.I.A. Deduction: -25

Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Kathy show. Without a doubt this was Kathys biggest starring role to date, and this humble critic has to admit that the blonde bitch is growing on me. This week I noticed that weight loss has been particularly good for her image, accentuating her once-absent cheekbones, and de-emphasizing her fleshy calves and thighs. And her ubiquitous blue top, once tight and straining against her pudgy midsection, is now downright baggy.

I couldnt let a week go by, though, without some slam on Kathy. This weeks fashion citation comes for over-accessorizing. In her coat hanger-tiki challenge necklace, and tacky immunity lobster, she looked not unlike the chief headhunter from Gilligans Island. Every Diva knows, when it comes to jewelry (especially the cheap handmade kind) less is always more.

Quote of the week
Its so fun to win this game! (And its starting to look like you might.)
Fashion Citation for Challenge-Hoggery: -25

John Carroll
(Juror #1) This week the jury appears to have bet on black and won. I cant help but wonder if token-gayboy-John is coaching them in some sort of Fashion-is-the-best-revenge protest. John waltzed in, proudly leading the loser parade, wearing a slimming long sleeved black T-shirt, with comfortably tight carpenter jeans. Without a doubt, this was his best (and most masculine) look yet. Youve made us all so proud! Im all verkelmpt!

Zoe Zanidakis
(Juror #2) Zoe looked a little more her tomboyish self this week, in a gender-bending black sleeveless shirt and blue jeans combination. Too bad she added the garish neck scarf, tied in a style which has been out since the early 80s. And her light belt had the unfortunate side effect of bringing the eye downward to her pear-shaped lower half. Leave it to Zoe to screw up normally-foolproof basic black.

Tammy Leitner
(Juror #3) Did Tammy look FIERCE this week or what! Ouch! The girl almost made me go straight! In a sexy black V-neck blouse and slinky black Capri pants, she left women everywhere wondering: where can I get that outfit? while gay men everywhere wondered where can I get that outfit? You go girl!

Robert DeCanio
(Juror #4) Robert chose well this week, hiding his unappealing chest and stomach in a slimming black muscle-T. Combined with sensibly baggy khaki shorts, though hardly original or risky, this was the least objectionable outfit hes worn so far this series. For Robert king of fashion citations DeCanio, that is high praise.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

This weeks winner was the viewer, spared another episode of Sean Rectors whiny antics.

Neleh, by the way, is still the current overall point leader, though she slipped a bit this week.

As for losers well youll notice that the remaining candidates had a combined score this week of NEGATIVE 200. Ouch.

Join me again in a few days for the article to end all articles, my review of the Survivor Finale/Reunion, where I will re-live, recap, and regurgitate 13 weeks of torture and suffering. I can hardly wait! I will rate the remaining contestants as they battle to the finish I will rate the returning contestants at the Survivor Reunion oh my heck, Ill even rate Rosie ODonnell (though I doubt shell win Diva of the Week.)

I promise to leave no stone unthrown!

There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.

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LibertyBelle
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #1 on: May 18^th, 2002, 10:17am »

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Thanks Rhune, that's hysterical! I love sarcastic humor when it's done well, and this guy is a master. Grin

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I watch from the wings at the play you are staging - while I'm sitting here doing nothing but aging.
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Rhune
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #2 on: May 22^nd, 2002, 4:57pm »

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Gay Survivor Journal - The Finale
After all my whining and griping and bitching, it looks like a Diva may have won Survivor 4 after all! Its a miracle!
BY LARRY JOHNSON
Wednesday, May. 22, 2002

Vees direct line to god must have worked.

For those of you who may have missed Sundays more-bloated-than-Attack-of-the-Clones-three-hour-finale, youre pretty much screwed, because I have better things to do that summarize the damn thing. Suffice it to say that my renaming of Soliantu the Holy-one-two tribe turned out to be prophetic, as our two holier-than-thou (Tammys quote, not mine) girlfriends, Sister Mary Neleh and Sister Mary Vecepia, became the final two, in a triumph of the self-righteous-coattail-riders. And when all was said and done, Vee became the Ultimate Survivor, mostly due to anti-saccharine-sweetheart-backlash by the sour-grapes Rotu Block of John, the General and Tammy. (Vees other vote came from Sean I swear theres no black alliance Rector.)

But who cares about the plot! Lets get to the dish!

Oh my heck, it was quite a week for the Gay Survivor Journalist. Three hours! Makeovers galore! More costume changes that Cher and Britney combined! My head is still spinning. Those of you who are anal-retentive (you know who you are; youve printed all my past articles, made a little binder for them, and review them every week, tallying points,) will notice that this weeks points are worth three times as much because it was three, three, three shows in one!

Vecepia Towery
(Ultimate Survivor) Vee had a few Diva moments in Sundays finale, and Im awarding her Diva of the Week for the first time in this series. One Diva moment came as she dripped in yellow Manoa oil, the yellow playing off the gorgeous cocoa color of her skin, and asked do I look tribal? Do you look tribal? Puh-lease!

But Vees true Diva moment came in the reunion portion of the show, as she held her own beauty-wise against an also-stunning Neleh. Girlfriend gave us Vanessa Williams, in a chunky purple turtleneck and snazzy long black coat. Her makeup was FIERCE, especially the plum glossy lipstick that accentuated her naturally full mouth. And her once-nappy hair was newly braided, with silky shoulder-length extensions. As John said while casting the deciding vote for her: You go girl!

Quotes of the week
(Jeff Probst, to Vee) Boy, you even smell good. Thats a first.
(In response to Rosies question, how does it feel to win?) It is DA BOMB!
Diva of the Week: 150 points
Vecepias 13-week point tally was 150 points. She received Diva of the Week once.

Neleh Dennis
(Runner Up) Poor Neleh is used to being Runner Up, as this critic has awarded Runner Up Diva of the Week to her several times, and yet again this week. Her first Diva moment came as she wrapped her oil-soaked hair into a tight Eva Peron bun, and then adorned it with a ring of purple and white flowers, in a showy South Pacific style that suited her to a T.

But, Like Vee, her big moment came in the Reunion portion, where she was absolutely stunning in a black cropped-top and low-rise black slacks, with matching black low-heeled strappy sandals, topped off by a buttery tan leather mid-length coat. Her makeup and eyebrows were flawless, and her wavy long hair looked like spun gold. Graceful in defeat, Nelehs smile never dimmed even as Vee and Sean pushed her aside to share a no-black-alliance victory hug.

Quote of the week
(To John, after his question at the final council) Why should you give me your vote? Golly. That sucks. (Oh my heck! Neleh used the S-word!)
Runner Up Diva of the Week: No Points
Bonus points for Graceful Defeat: 150
Nelehs 13-week point tally was 325 points. She received Diva of the Week three times.

Kathy O'Brien
(Juror #7) First off, I received some hate-mail from viewers incensed that I did not award a Diva of the Week last week. I honestly had every intention to, but I was in such a bitchy sex-deprived mood because my boyfriend was out of town, that I completely forgot to praise anyone for anything. Awarded posthumously, Kathy earns 50 points as Diva of the Week for week 12, awarded to her for being the center of attention, as all Divas always are. And, believe it or not, I also had a reader who noticed that I neglected to award Kathy her just 50 points for Quote of the Week in week 10. Shit! You people need to get a life!

As the episode began, Kathy had a few Citation-worthy moments, continuing to blossom into the crazy, middle-aged, self-deprecating, scrappy, emotional, blonde bitch that this writer has grown to love/hate/love/hate. As she lay covered in rocks, muttering non sequiturs like Confucius say we are going crazy, Kathy lead Neleh in a primal scream therapy session that was truly the low-point of her crazy-bag-lady-downward-spiral.

Then imagine my surprise as Kathy made not one, but two metamorphoses this week!

At tribal council 15, just hours after she was voted off, she was summery and light in a pink, high-cut cotton sundress with a kitchy tropical beach pattern. Her hair, which has earned my scorn from day one, fell smoothly and wistfully on her shoulders, without a hint of the fried quality she had once shared with Infamous-Survivor-3-Ultimate-Loser-Diane-Ogden.

Then, in the reunion show, she sported an outfit which was truly cutting edge and urban, quite honestly the most classy thing seen on anyone on the stage. In a glossy lime green silk shirt, a black leather coat, and tight black pants, with black leather multi-strap sandals, Crazy Kathy was truly unrecognizable. Best of all was her new (and extremely fashionable) shaggy blonde bob. All in all, she made a huge improvement from the murderer unibomber person that Rosie (and this critic) dissed in weeks past. In fact she looked dare I say faaaaabulous!

Quote of the week
I lost my marbles yesterday (Umm Kathy? Losing them implies that at one point you had them.)
Fashion Citation for Belleview-worthy Antics: -25
Diva Points for Makeover #1: 75
Diva Points for Makeover #2: 75
Kathys 13-week point tally was 0 points. She received Diva of the Week once.

Paschal English
(Juror #6) In what was the cruelest twist of fate (and the stupidest rule change,) Paschal was booted in a tribal council at which he received NO VOTES! Go figure. But from a fashion standpoint, Pappy has been a loser from Day One, and there is no change this week.

I would love to say that at tribal Council 13 Pappy looked like death warmed over, but that would be generous. He actually looked like death not warmed over not even pan seared just plain old death. When he pulled out his purple rock, and fell to the floor, I honestly thought the old man had finally, mercifully, kicked it.

Then, at tribal council 15, Pappy was resurrected in a non-descript red T-shirt, and ill-fitting khaki pants (which quite honestly looked like the god-awful ones he won on the Cruise Ship Reward.) Sure, he was clean-shaven and his hair was combed, but sartorially, he looked no better than the week before.

Finally, at the reunion, he was age-appropriate, but dull, in a black and white plaid shirt, black coat, black sweater, and (yet again) khaki pants. Sure, he looked alive, but is he really living?

Quote of the Week
I never did look real good, but I look probably worse right now than I ever looked in my life. (Excellent, Pappy. The first step is realizing you have a problem.)
Fashion Citation for Living Dead Chic: -75
Paschals 13-week tally was -475. His wife Beverly won Diva of the Week once.

Sean Rector
(Juror #5) Sean receives one Fashion Citation this week for his amusing attire at tribal council 13. Clad in banana yellow, with his newly-unbraided hair mushrooming out of his head like a well mushroom, Sean looked laugh-out-loud bad. (I laughed more at this then at any of his prize-winning quotes.)

Then at Tribal Council 14, his navy shirt and matching navy headband were acceptable, but his ž length frayed camo shorts were a scream. If he wore these to the hood, he would no doubt get his ass kicked from here to next Tuesday.

Thankfully, in the reunion show, Sean sported his signature braids. Unfortunately, though, he topped them off with a pimp-chic suede hat that would have been seen as dated in the late 70s.

Quote of the week (and Best Quote of Week 13)
(To Vee, while voting for her to win) If you happen to win the one million dollars, hook a brother up, you know, help pay my rent.
Fashion Citations for unintentionally funny attire: -150
Quote of the Week for intentionally funny coattail-reversal: 150
Seans 13-week point tally was -525 points.

Robert DeCanio
(Juror #4) The General receives a Fashion Citation this week for his appearance at Tribal Council 14. Betraying his Queens roots, Robert wore his black shirt open to the waist, with his bushy chest hair on display. All that was missing was the huge gold medallion.

At the reunion show, Robert was decidedly low key and casual, in a chambray shirt and black cotton slacks. Sadly, though, Robert appeared to have gained back all of the weight he had lost on the island, with his shirt blousing out unappealingly over his pants as it did way back in Week One.

Fashion Citation for Tony Manero Chic: -75
Roberts 13-week point tally was -425 points.

Tammy Leitner
(Juror #3) Tammy had good and bad moments this week, but as always her fashion sense was indisputably top-notch, first at Tribal Council 13, in a dark green strappy top, and slate gray cotton petal pushers, then at Tribal Council 14, in a sexy-tight yellow top and black pants, and yet again and Tribal Council 15, bohemian-chic in a black muscle shirt and tight jeans. But the best look of all came at the reunion show, as she sported a tight black belly-baring top, a smooth black leather coat, and low-rise jeans.

By far her best Diva moment, though, came at TC15, where her quote will go down in Survivor History as one of the bitchiest, most brutal, and yet most truthful sour-grapes-loser speeches ever made, delivered with her trademark steely, emotionless gaze. Leave it to Tammy to go down fighting!

Quote of the Week
(To Neleh and Vee) You guys are hypocrites as far as Im concerned, and you may have been the two biggest liars out on the island.
(To Vee) You flip-flopped so many times in this game, I dont even thing you knew which team you were playing on half the time.
Diva Points for best use of Costume Changes: 75
Diva Points for Quoteworthiness: 75
Sore Loser Deduction: -150
Tammys 13-week point tally was 200 points. She received Diva of the Week twice.

Zoe Zanidakis
(Juror #2) Zoe earns FOUR fashion citations this week, in a record-setting performance. Citation #1: At TC13, she was seen in a vertical-patterned white sleeveless shirt. For the uninitiated, let me explain why this is a fashion faux pas. Zoe is pear shaped, and because of that, she should avoid vertical patterns on the top, as they lengthen the top and therefore draw attention to the wide bottom.

Citation #2: At TC14, Zoe wore a too tight blue top, which had the effect of flattening her chest. Note to Zoe: if you are going to choose to flatten anything, NEVER choose the chest. May I recommend oh, I dont know your ASS!

Citation #3: At TC15, Zoe wore a long black dress, slit on both sides all the way up to the hipbones, exposing most of her thighs. On someone like, say, Tammy or Gina this would have been a Diva moment. But on Zoe? Please girl, put those things away!

Citation #4: At the Reunion show, Zoe went nautical in a denim shirt, tied at the waist, with a black/white striped T-shirt underneath, and ill-fitting trousers. This look was wrong on so many levels that I was left completely speechless. She looked sort of like the rejected sixth member of the Village People, Fisherman Jack.

Four Record-Smashing Fashion Citations: -300
Zoes 13-week point tally was -450 points.

John Carroll
(Juror #1) John made a Diva comeback in the last three weeks, and this week, despite a few flaws, he continued to shine. At TC13 he was casual and cool in a simple black T-shirt and pants, then masculine and fresh at TC14 in a denim shirt and jeans, and finally classy at TC15 in an olive shirt and khakis.

And at the Reunion, he was seen in a black open shirt and jeans, with a cute chunky belt. The problem, Im afraid, was the hair too much of it in too many places. His too-thick sideburns were 60s-beatnick length, nearly meeting the bushy chest hair that crept up his neckline through his open shirt. And his shaggy rolled-out-of-bed bob would have been fashionable, had it not included plastered-to-his-forehead Beatles bangs. Girlfriend needs a new hairdresser, stat!

Quote of the Week
(About the notorious pee-on-my-hand incident) When Pappy came down, he actually tried to go. He whipped it out and everything. (Umm, John that conjured an image that I really could have done without. Thanks.)
Diva Points for Casual Class: 150
Fashion Citation for Overdone Do: -75
Johns 13-week point tally was 75 points. He received Diva of the Week once.

Rob Mariano
(Week #7 Victim) Rob was pudgy faced and pale, losing much of the golden god glory he had previously acquired. Sporting a lackluster ensemble of blue shirt, black slacks, and black leather coat, Rob blended in to the background in the way he never seemed capable of on the island. Snore!

Fashion Victim: -75
Robs point tally was 80 points. He received Diva of the Week once.

Gina Crews
(Week #6 Victim) Gina was cutting-edge image-wise, as always, in a sleek bob, with a tight black blouse, black coat, and white/black pinstripe slacks. Normally I would recommend against white pants, but the vertical stripes lengthened her already long legs, with a sexy result. Remember, kids at home: only someone as thin as Gina could pull of this look.

Fashionable Loser: 75
Ginas point tally was 275 points.

Gabriel Cade
(Week #5 Victim) Gabe was the biggest fashion victim of the night, looking downright ridiculous in his shaggy home-cut blonde bob, and contrasting orange and red boxy Hawaiian shirt. Perhaps he should have taken Rosies suggestion, and worn only a loincloth, like the Chris Atkins clone he is. THEN he would have earned some diva points from me!

Fashion Victim: -75
Gabes point tally was -75 points. He received Diva of the Week once.

Sarah Jones
(Week #4 Victim) Sarah clearly brought her boobs to the Reunion, in a low cut, tan spaghetti strapped suede blouse, and burgundy leather coat. Her choppy blonde bob was eye-catching as well, causing me to remember the good old days when she OWNED diva of the week.

Fashionable Loser: 75
Sarahs point tally was 200 points. She received Diva of the Week twice.

Hunter Ellis
(Week #3 Victim) Hunter looked dreamy as always (though perhaps a bit Orange-County-Conservative) in an olive shirt, black slacks, and a charcoal-gray wool trench. Too bad he lost his voice, but Im a fool for the strong, silent type any time.

Fashionable Loser: 75
Hunters point tally was 125 points.

Patricia Jackson
(Week #2 Victim) Patricia was notably absent from the reunion, hiding behind her son Hunter throughout. I did notice, however, that her formerly-gray hair had a Miss Clairol red glow, which clashed violently with her matronly pink blouse.

Fashion Victim: -75
Patricias point tally was -135 points.

Peter Harkey
(Week #1 Victim) Poor Peter was also nowhere to be seen in the Reunion, and his dull monochrome ensemble was no help. When the camera flashed on him (albeit briefly) I did notice that his Jennifer Tilly hairdo was still present, to my dismay.

Fashion Victim: -75
Peters point tally was -150 points.

Rosie ODonnell
(Reunion Host) Rosie gets Diva Points this week for arriving in style, clad in slimming black with a showy red jacket, on the back of a motorcycle, with handsome S2 runner-up Colby. She would have won more points form this critic, however, had she been true to her sexuality and arrived clad in black leather, with buxom S2 winner Tina.

Quote of the Week
(To John) Theres a whole new career for you, peeing on other people etiquette books.
Diva Points for Arriving in Style: 75
Closeted Post-Closet Deduction: -75

------------------------------------------------------------------------ --------

Runner Up Diva of the Season goes to Gina Crews, who despite being booted in week 6 and never winning Diva of the Week, still managed to amass 275 Overall Diva Points.

The Miss Congeniality Award goes to Sean Rector, who entertained us all with his fashion flubs, (leading to an anti-diva score of -525, a record) and also managed to win Quote of the Week a whopping 5 times.

Quote of the Season goes to Sean Rectors assessment of Sarah from week one:

Other than having two floatation devices that could help us out there, what value is she?

And, last but not least, the moment youve all been waiting for

The Diva of the Season award goes to Neleh Dennis, with 325 Overall Diva Points, and three Diva of the Week awards to her credit. You go! Who would have thought Id be rewarding Diva of the Season to a 21-year-old Mormon girl whose catchphrase is Oh my heck. Go figure.

There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.

Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary about S4 from a gay point of view. Please keep an eye out this fall for his scathingly accurate commentary on Survivor Thailand.

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