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Rhune
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Gay Survivor Journal
« on: Aug 25th, 2002, 1:05am »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
I'm so happy to see they'll be doing this again this season at Survivornews.net. Smiley
 
http://www.survivornews.net/article.php?id=93
 
Gay Survivor Journal: Preason Part One
Spicy Thai Appetizer - The Women
BY LARRY JOHNSON
Saturday, August 24, 2002
 
Well, loyal fans, against my better judgment I have signed up for a return engagement. In the weeks to come I will be skewering, lambasting, critiquing, judging, and otherwise bashing the contestant/actor/softpornstars featured in the Cornucopia of Tastelessness we will hereafter affectionately call Survivor: Thailand.
 
Just think of me as the Simon of Survivor. Except gayer. (Although Simon may have a better shot with Justin than with Paula, but that’s another topic altogether.)
 
Also, let it be known, that my ultra-cute, ultra-fashionable boyfriend is still around after a whole year, (that’s 20 in gay years,) and I have turned him into a crazed Survivor-addled lunatic. (Though he prefers American Idol, where the contestants are closer to his age.)
 
For those of you who may have missed my critically-acclaimed series of features on Survivor Marquesas, I unfortunately will not be able to summarize it for you. At this point, I have done my best to extract it from my memory. I am left with only fleeting images of some of the most egregious fashion debacles in the annals of sartorial history. Bag Lady Kathy. Sean in tennis shoes and black socks. Pappy’s dirty yellow Dolphin shorts. These nightmarish visions are seared into my memory like a brand into the backside of an unwitting dairy cow. Please, lord, let me forget!
 
When all was said and done, I seem to recall that the person who won was never actually on the show, which at the time seemed quite unfair. Looking back in retrospect, the ‘invisible winner’ aspect was no less fair than the other ‘twists’ that ruined - oops! I meant ‘altered’ - the game. (Need I mention the Pappy-Got-Stoned incident? What genius thought that one up?)
 
But enough reminiscing. It’s time to take a look at the new batch of losers.
 
Let’s start this week with the women of Survivor Five.
 
Remember, these opinions are based solely on my first impressions of them, from their publicity photos, the pre-show advertisements, and from their ‘official’ CBS bios. I don’t know these people, I don’t want to know these people, and it’s doubtful that I ever will know these people, and yet I will proceed to judge them in a harsh and vicious manner.  
 
It may seem callous, bitchy, heartless and unfair.  
 
But it sure is fun! (Cattiness is life-affirming!)
 
Erin Collins
Well, it looks like we’re off to a good start. If I were a straight man (which, let’s be clear, I am not,) I get the impression that Erin might get me really hot and bothered.
 
In the previews, the apparently-heterosexual cameraman has snapped Exhibitionist Erin with the cleavage-cam more than one time. He also lingered on her ab-licious pierced midsection. She would appear to have it all: A tiny waist, beautiful doe-eyes, a fashionable Anne Heche blonde blunt-cut, and unnaturally perky breasts. I hate the bitch already.
 
Ghandia Johnson
Ghandia professes to be ‘representin’ the Big Girls. (This, apparently, was Bunky’s role in Big Brother 2.) And if full-figured is her goal, she seems to be doing a good job of it. In the preview, she is seen in tightish khaki shorts, which accentuate her rather unfortunate ‘bell-shape.’ Let’s just say ‘baby got back.’ And sides. And front. On the plus side, however, Ghandia’s asymmetrical bleach-blond dreads draw the eye upward, away from her ‘problem’ lower half, to her more-appealing smoky eyes and high cheekbones.  
 
Helen Glover
I hope Helen brought plenty of sunblock. To describe her complexion as ‘milky’ would actually be kind. It is actually more of a bluish-translucent, sort of ‘non-fat-milky.’ Set this off with her near-black hair, and fang-like teeth, and Helen has a sort of Morticia quality that is rather unsettling. On the upside, she does appear to be in relatively good shape for her age, and her fashion sense, while hardly edgy, is certainly not Kathy-level bad.
 
Jan Gentry
“On her perfect day, she would work out, then fish on her boat, while drinking a beer, and listening to Willie Nelson.” I have no words to express how frightening this is to me. (Thankfully, she didn’t conclude her perfect day by having relations with her first cousin out in the shed.) Perhaps even more frightening was Jan’s hairstyle choice: Cindy Brady pigtails. Note to Jan: Cindy Brady didn’t even look good in them, and she was 8 years old, for god sake. And then there’s her annoying accent, which would drive me to drink, (if I wasn’t already a complete alcoholic. In fact, I’m drunk right now.) In Jan’s plus column, she previously worked as an assistant for Martina Navratilova, which means she should be able to handle whatever testosterone is thrown her way while on the island.
 
Penny Ramsey
Penny appears to be cloned from the Colleen/Elizabeth/Kim/Neleh mold. Her publicity photo alone says it all: with her perky, cocked head, her silky blond hair pulled into a perky ponytail, and her un-earthly white teeth lined up in a perky little row, this will no doubt be the girl who no one wants to vote out because she is just too damned… you guessed it… PERKY! In her bio, she is proud to have “made the cover of the premiere issue of American Cheerleader Magazine.” Wow. Prepare the barf bags now. The minute she starts chanting ‘we’ve got spirit,’ I’m gonna' hurl.  
 
Shii Ann Huang
With a nickname like ‘Shii-devil,’ perhaps Shii Ann may be just the kind of cold hearted, evil, scheming, two-faced bitch that I LOVE! In my fantasy, Shii Ann will be the kick-ass-take-numbers Lucy Liu type that this show would thrive on. More likely, however, judging from her pre-show footage, she will be cold, intellectual, and dull as toast. At least there is some hope that she will be fashionable. In the recent ad clips, she is seen sporting her Survivor-Buff-Tube-Top rather fetchingly. (Note to the public: Why get a boob job? Flat-chested women look better in everything!)  
 
Stephanie Dill
With no token gay boy on this series, (see my upcoming preview of the men of Survivor Five,) my attention focuses on Stephanie, who seems to be the most likely rainbow-bumper-sticker candidate. Does this opinion come from her choice of ‘Queer as Folk’ as her favorite TV series? From her previous employment as a Firefighter, Meter Reader and Landscaper? From her choice of Sandra Bullock, Michelle Pfeiffer, Andie McDowell and Meg Ryan as favorite actresses? From her hometown of Fayetteville, Arkansas, the only ‘artsy’ community in an otherwise homophobic state? I’d say it’s a little bit of all of those things, plus the penchant for unflatteringly boxy masculine clothing she has displayed in previews, that lead me to the conclusion that Ms. Dill is of the ‘Lebanese’ persuasion. If my assumption is correct, I have but three words for Stephanie. ‘You go, boy!’
 
Tanya Vance
Please tell me it isn’t true! Yet another contestant with a Southern accent so thick you could cut it with a huntin’ knife. What is this, Survivor Texas? Of the bunch, however, I do have to say that Tanya is by far my favorite, from a fashion standpoint. Her ultra-thick wavy hair seems likely to withstand the humidity and heat quite well. And one look at her cute two-piece black ensemble, (cropped tank and matching short-shorts), and I smelled a Diva of the Week waiting to happen. (Let’s hope she lives up to the pre-show buzz that I create by making this statement!)
 
All in all, it’s a pretty dismal bunch, with Tanya, Erin and possibly Shii Ann as the only clear Diva standouts. While abundance of potential fashion victims is somewhat disappointing, on the other hand, it will give us much to bitch about in upcoming weeks!
 
Stay tuned next week, when I will focus on the Men of Survivor Five. It promises to be an article filled with vitriol, silliness, rippling pectorals, and softcore porn. (Not unlike the underwear party I went to last weekend…. but that’s another story.)  
 
There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.
 
 
Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary about S5 from a gay point of view.
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #1 on: Aug 26th, 2002, 8:48pm »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
Rhune I too am happy to see this writer's columns back again.  They were really lots of fun last season.  Looks like I am going to need all the summaries I can get too.  Turns out Wednesday's new schools is having a huge meet and greet BBQ on  (you guessed it!) September 19th.  I can't believe.  Finally I will use this an excuse to get the VCR working to tape shows.  That way I can watch them in peace, get the child to bed when we aren't partying at her school, and watch it in 45 minutes instead of an hour.  So there is an upshot!
 
 
I hope that Larry has some gay folks to write about this time.
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #2 on: Sep 7th, 2002, 10:09am »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
http://www.survivornews.net/article.php?id=96
 
Gay Survivor Journal: Preseason Part Two
 
Spicy Thai Appetizer – The Men
BY LARRY JOHNSON
Friday, September 6, 2002
 
Last week I took a few hours out of my busy life to offer a preview of the females of Survivor Five. This week I lavish my attention on the men. (A behavior, which quite frankly, is nothing new to me.)
 
In fact, this last weekend, my gorgeous younger boyfriend (did I mention he’s in his 20’s?) and I joined some friends to see the movie ‘Signs.’ While we all generally liked the flick, my friends felt that it was a bit slow. As we dissected the film, looking for solutions, I came to an epiphany.
 
Had there been more half-naked scenes with Mel Gibson and/or Joaquin Phoenix, the film would have been far more watchable.
 
After pondering this point briefly, we tested the hypothesis: Any form of entertainment is better with more exposed male flesh. In nearly every case, the rule proves true.
 
Imagine an infinitely more interesting American Idol, with Ryan Seacrest in his Calvin Kleins! Or a far more titillating Today Show with a full-frontal Matt Lauer. And who wouldn’t watch the Nude Jeff Corwin Experience?
 
The producers of Survivor Five must have had the same thought as my brilliant friends.
 
The previews certainly seem to be playing up the sexiness of the male ‘contestants,’ focusing on their scantily-clad bodies much more than in previous seasons. Heck, they even hired a porn star (more on that later.)
 
If my suspicions are correct, ratings will shoot through the roof, especially in the coveted ‘30-something bitchy homosexual with too much time on his hands’ demographic.
 
So, with no further ado…
 
Brian Heidik
Brian, as ‘exposed’ by The Smoking Gun, is the aforementioned soft-porn star who has been getting all the publicity these last two weeks. Unfortunately, Brian can no longer live up to the publicity stills from his appearances in film classics such as Passion Cove and The Virgins of Sherwood Forest. It seems, when leaving porn behind to become a family man, Brian also let his gym membership lapse. And, adding insult to injury, he still dresses like a man with a ripped body. Witness the previews which spotlight Brian in the skimpiest black boxcut I’ve seen on any season of Survivor. Fashionable? Yes. (In fact, I have one just like it.) But is it appropriate for someone with a saggy tummy and fatty sub-nipple deposits? Hardly. Why, oh why, couldn’t it have been Jed who packed this item of clothing?
 
Clay Jordan
In his video profile, Clay admits to having a ‘big-ass heart.’ Apparently to go with his big-ass… ass. This Texan (yet another in the seemingly endless list of cloyingly-accented Survivor southerners) seems to have downed one too many weenies at the hoe down. Body image issues aside, Clay seems to favor late 80’s country club attire, which is, if nothing else, suitable for a man of his age and stature. The floppy fishing hats, though, I’m afraid, will earn him weekly Fashion Citations, as will his penchant for a shade of yellow which should be avoided by anyone… especially those, like Clay, whose skin trends to gray-green.
 
Jake Billingsley
Oh my god, please tell me this isn’t happening. Jake is from… drumroll please… Texas. What a ‘cattle call’ this must have been. Perhaps the Survivor casting agent arrived in Texas, where they offered him jugs of bootleg whiskey, and in a drunken stupor, he told EVERYONE that they are going to Thailand! Jake, for his part, is probably the fittest 60-year-old in Texas, with a relatively lean Rudy-esque physique. Still, he may receive Diva Deductions from me for unrequested nudity, as he is fond of doffing his shirt to reveal his grayish sagging upper body.
 
Jed Hildebrand
Hold me back, readers! Yummy! This is the only instance where another ‘contestant’ from Texas is a welcome addition. (And notice his refreshing lack of Southern twang in the previews!) From a Diva standpoint, I can’t say enough good things about Jed. His lean and ripped bod puts Colby to shame and makes Gabe Cade look like Al Bundy. And his penchant for kitschy-cute ‘safariwear,’ including his extra baggy (and tantalizingly low-riding) khaki shorts are nothing short of perfection. You go, boy! I smell Diva of the Week! On the downside, Jed’s ‘good Christian morals and values’ may force him to keep his clothes on, and may hold him back from ‘hooking up’ with the babe-a-licious Erin or the perky Penny. (Yet, to be fair, I’ve been with a few ‘good Christian values’ boys, and they can be little devils between the sheets.)
 
John Raymond
John is a Southerner as well, and a Pastor… with a taste for down-home cooking and bluegrass music. In addition, he seems to have a penchant for military-wear that screams ‘right wing NRA activist.’ Wow. This cast gets more and more frightening. (Let’s hope he and Brian don’t form a Porn/Pastor alliance.) John claims to have recently transformed his body in the ‘body for life challenge.’ Without being too harsh, let’s just say I’m curious what his body looked like before. Perhaps he should hire a lawyer and sue Bill Phillips.
 
Ken Stafford
Perhaps it was just the lighting, but Ken’s press photo is inhumanly pale. Sort of ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ pale. Top it off with his unnaturally dark, plastic looking hairstyle (which really looks like Hair Club for Men to me,) and Ken resembles a certain doll with the same name. Beyond that, Ken is without doubt handsome, with a Ricky Martin grin that seems certain to slay the ladies (though we gay boys are not so easily fooled.) He seems, unfortunately, to prefer baggy, nondescript dark clothing. Perhaps his body is as unearthly pale as his face?
 
Robb Zbacnik
Robb is clearly the ‘bad boy’ of Survivor Five, and I must say he is probably the most glaring example of Fashion-Citation-worthiness of the bunch. When he isn’t wearing his reprehensible navy do-rag, Robb sports a cringe-worthy mop-top hairstyle, (complete with an inexcusable center part.) His narrowly-plucked eyebrows accentuate his Neanderthal forehead, giving him a sort of inbred look, which seems to match his general personality. With three visible piercings, and several visible tattoos, Robb brings new meaning to the word ‘overaccessorizing.’ On the plus side, under all that adornment, is the lean young bod of a snowboarding god. All this combined makes him sort of 3-drink-gorgeous. (Unlike completely-sober-gorgeous Jed!)
 
Ted Rogers Jr.
Last, and arguably least, in our list of S5 men is lame-goatee-wearing, beer-belly-sporting, cueballed-chinless-wonder Ted. The man is a walking Fashion Citation. I have yet to see a publicity photo of him in anything that matches, or looks even remotely good on him. Expect numerous weekly citations for him, similar to the now-infamous Sean-Rector-Black-Socks-with-White-Tennis-Shoes incident that still brings me nightmares.
 
All things considered, this is a ragtag bunch of Texans (with a couple guys from other states thrown in for diversity sake.) Jed is the only clear Diva contender, but Robb, Brian and Ken may surprise us if they can get their act together. I remain hopeful, but pragmatic, as always. Okay, let’s be honest, I’m downright jaded. (With my luck, they’ll kick Jed off in week one!)
 
There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.
 
 
Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary about S5 from a gay point of view.
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #3 on: Sep 23rd, 2002, 6:02pm »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
I snagged this from SA since SurvivorNews.net is down & has been all day.
 
 
Gay Survivor Journal – Week One  
Thaied to the Cross  
By Larry Johnson  
 
I must admit going into this column that my brain is a bit addled today by severe AI withdrawal symptoms. I spent the better part of this morning with the CD player on repeat, listening literally dozens of times to the 2-song CD single (isn’t ‘2-song-single’ an oxymoron?) A Moment Like This/Before Your Love, sung full-throatedly by that American Idol Diva, Kelly Clarkson. The songs are sappy and strangely dated, and her voice sounds hoarse, but I don’t care! Play them again! America loves them, and is buying them in record numbers. Why? Because they are sung by the Underdog Diva Sweetheart who won the cool million!  
 
Meanwhile, on CBS, a group of would-be Divas are competing for a cool million of their own. But will there be anyone in this ragtag bunch of Wannabes who can achieve Kelly-level Divadom? Answering that very question is why this columnist has returned for another season. Replacing my AI fix this week was the season premiere of that high-budget salute to ripped abs and breast implants that we affectionately call Survivor Thailand Episode One.  
 
For those of you were fortunate enough to accidentally-on-purpose miss it, it was a rather lengthy affair involving tribes chosen by the elders, a 3-tiered ‘brains and brawn’ challenge, and the speedy departure of that Body for Life ‘success story’, bossy -‘I Learned Nothing From B.B.’-Pastor John.  
 
But you people don’t come to me for summaries! You want dish!  
 
Chuay Gahn Tribe (I’ll call them the Chewies… short for Chewied-up-and-spit-out)  
 
Jan Gentry  
I have to admit, Schoolteacher Jan’s ‘pick-the-losers-and-you’ll-look-better-by-comparison’ strategy made her look like Xena Warrior Princess at the competition. Whether or not it was intentional, her choices will surely keep her around for a few more weeks. Though Jan was surprisingly likable in her first week, she nonetheless earns Drama Queen Deductions this week for unwarranted tears, when being chosen a leader frightened her. May I ask, Jan, do you cry in class when you have to lead the pledge of allegiance? She also earns the first of this week’s Fashion Citations with her frightening Beverly Hillbillies style hair and wardrobe. In her bib overall shorts, pigtails, beach sandals, and bra-top (thankfully concealed,) Jan appears to have gotten wardrobe tips from her students.  
 
Fashion Citation for Attire-Inappropriate-for-Any-Age –25 points  
Drama Queen Deduction for stage fright –25 points  
 
Helen Glover  
Helen appears to be filling the role of ‘unglamorous military bey-otch.’ (I have no idea why the show needs this particular character, if it were up to me; I would replace it with ‘glamorous model bey-otch.’) There are few women who can look sexy in an ill-fitting black T-shirt and baggy camouflage pants, and let’s just say that Helen isn’t one of them.  
 
Fashion Citation for Glam-lessness –25 points  
 
Brian Heidik  
Brian was hardly porn star material this week, in his florescent orange T-shirt and oversized tan pants. So far he seems to be hiding whatever light he may have under a bushel. He was quoteworthy this week, however, when he launched into a feel-good lecture at Diatribal Council.  
 
Quote of the week:  
(To Jeff Probst) “If you judge people by the surface or just on sheer looks, then you’re a very shallow person. It’s all about love, and it’s a beautiful thing once you get to know everyone, and not judge a book by its cover.” (Like, for example, don’t assume that porn stars can’t be decent people too!)  
 
Ghandia Johnson  
Ghandia earns a Fashion Citation this week for a rather unfortunate incident involving a cruel cameraman, a slippery boat edge, and her rather ample rear end. After her embarrassing performance in the immunity challenge, in her black sportsbra and buddy-hugging wet shorts, she looked not unlike an injured harbor seal as she was hoisted aboard the boat by her bitter tribesmates. She does, however, earn Diva Points this week for her use of HBO language on CBS prime time.  
 
Quotes of the Week:  
(About the other tribe) “We were kicking their asses, those lucky bastards.”  
(About their crab lunch) “ Get him. Get his ass. Get him!”  
Fashion Citation for Uninvited Wet T-Shirt Contest Entrant: -25  
Diva Points for Ass-ertiveness: +25  
 
Clay Jordan  
Clay was definitely a Fashion Victim this week, in a baggy lemon yellow T-shirt and black gym shorts with white stripes. To be fair, I own shorts that are very similar to these (but about 8 inches smaller in the waist). I would never, however, wear them anywhere besides the gym, (and even then only with tight black lycra, NEVER with yellow.) Clay seems to own more than one item of lemon yellow clothing. My advice to Clay: whoever told you that yellow was the new black was playing a cruel trick on you.  
 
Fashion Citation for Loud Lemon: -25  
 
John Raymond  
(Deceased 9/19/02) My first though when I saw John was “nerd.” In a loud tropical-camo shirt and oversized khaki shorts, all that was missing was the camera hanging around his neck and the fixed-with-tape black glasses. Fortunately for John, this look will suit him well as he spends the rest of his time in Thailand as ultimate-loser-tourist.  
 
Clueless Quote of the Week:  
(At tribal council) It really hasn’t been tough yet. I guess I’m still waiting for it to get hard. (Just minutes later, as per his prayer, the whole experience got a lot tougher for John.)  
Fashion Citation for Tacky Touristwear -25  
 
Ted Rogers Jr.  
Ted was dull this week, but not citationworthy, in a blue sleeveless T and red swimshorts. Ted’s Fashion Citation instead comes in his uncomfortably carnal embrace with fellow castmate Clay. Now, I realize that large men need love too, but this was just sick. I’ll have nightmares for weeks.  
 
Fashion Citation for Bear-on-Bear-Hugs: -25  
 
Tanya Vance  
Tanya is the only potential Diva candidate this week for the Chewies. In a tres-cute cornflower blue and white floral two-piece, girl looked fierce. And somehow, amidst the humidity, her hair managed to look lush and frizz-free for the camera. The only thing keeping Tanya from Diva of the Week was her unfortunate habit of vomiting in plain view of others. Those of us who are thin can certainly attest to having thrown up a time or two. But a Diva never… I repeat, NEVER… purges for the camera. (Warning to Tanya: Jessie-like behavior can get a girl, no matter how cute she is, booted!)  
 
Diva Points for Cornflower Cuteness: +25  
Fashion Citation for Purge (without the requisite Binge) –25  
 
(It is not a good sign this week, fans, that Chewie earned a whopping total of –150 Diva Points.)  
 
Sook Jai Tribe (I’ll call them the Sooky-Sooky-Fooky-Fooky Tribe.)  
 
Jake Billingsley  
Jake, in direct opposition to Jan’s strategy, picked a bunch of cute young numbskulls who will no doubt vote his old ass off as soon as they can (unless they self-destruct first.) Dressed smartly, and age appropriately, in olive cargo pants, cowboy hat, and khaki safari shirt, Jake won’t be getting any Fashion Citations from me this week. And he was quite quoteworthy as well, with not one… not two… but three Quotes of the Week.  
 
Quotes of the week:  
“I don’t know what Jan was thinking when she picked the people that she picked.” (If you find out, Jake, please tell us, we’re dying to know.)  
“I’ve got a crew that’s totally enthusiastic and ready to go, but they know nothing.”  
“Well, we’ve got the brawn, and somebody else has gotta' furnish the brains.”  
 
Erin Collins  
Poor Erin was last picked in the dodgeball game, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. She looked ferocious this week in a navy keyhole-neck top, khaki short-shorts, and a cute pink hat. And later, in a tiny chocolate-brown bikini, she showed off the attributes that god (and a great plastic surgeon) gave her. There are two big reasons why the young demographic has risen for this series. You go girl!  
 
Diva Points for the Left One: +25  
Diva Points for the Right One: +25  
 
Stephanie Dill  
Has the dubious honor of being the S5 castaway to get naked. And, though there is still no evidence, I continue to have suspicions about her sexuality, as her nudie show seemed aimed at Shii Ann (who seemed to enjoy it.) I smell an ‘alliance!’ Prior to her unexpected skinny-dip; Stephanie was understated and sedate in a khaki tank, olive shorts, and khaki hat.  
 
Diva Points for Naked Ambition: +25  
 
Jed Hildebrand  
Jed is Runner-Up Diva of the Week for week one! Seen first in his leather hat, navy campshirt, low-rise khaki shorts, and dimples as big as Texas, Jed was cute with a capitol ‘Q.’ When things heated up, so did Jed, wearing only his lowrise shorts, huge pecs, and Survivor buff as a belt. (The ##### must have a 26-inch waist to wear that thing as a belt!) If shy Jed had one interesting thing to say, I might have given him the Diva crown this week, (but that has to go to someone with the looks AND the attitude.)  
 
Runner Up Diva of the Week: No Points  
 
Shii Ann Huang  
Shii Ann is Diva of the Week, and girl earned it. First off, in her purple two-tone Guess sleeveless top and black shorts, she was label-riffic. Later, in the tiniest pink bikini, she proved she was not afraid to show some skin. But, first and foremost, girl has Diva-tude, and her Best Quotes of Week One prove it.  
 
Quotes of the week:  
(About Robb) “He is messing with the wrong girl. You do not mess with the Shii-Devil and not get the horns.”  
(About Stephanie) “Oh my god, she’s crazy. I mean, don’t get me wrong, skinny dipping… everyone should do it, but you will not see MY ta-tas.”  
Diva of the Week: +50  
Quote of the Week: +50  
 
Penny Ramsey  
Penny was barely seen in episode one, but what we did see of her looked pretty as a penny, (most notably, in her cute baby blue and white two piece.) Perhaps in weeks to come, Penny may be Diva-worthy, but this week she gets a Diva Deduction for being mostly MIA.  
 
MIA Diva Deduction: -25  
 
Ken Stafford  
Ken got a round of applause from his castmates when announcing that he was a New York City cop. Ken got a round of applause from me, as well, when he arrived in a black muscle T, khaki shorts, and rugged hiking boots. Like Penny, he was underexposed this week, but he did manage to find time to take off his shirt, and reveal a perfectly chiseled chest. Jed may have some competition!  
 
Diva Points for Shirtless Glory: +25  
 
Robb Zbacnik  
Dude, Robert fully sucked. Citation, dude. This skateboard-toting dimwit wore a black rocker T-shirt, ¾ length camos, a black knit hat, and black beach sandals. In addition, he sported a lame center-part hairdo, huge horseshoe earrings, and a star tattoo on each of his shoulders. But, most notably, Robb sported an attitude as big as his Neanderthal forehead.  
 
Quote of the Week:  
(To Shii Ann, complaining incomprehensibly about her lack of work) “Look at my hands. Let me see your hands. Let me see your hands. Okay, I’m not saying that sweety. Let me see your hands. That’s my point, dude, walk away.”  
Fashion Citation for Skateboard Chic: -25  
Attitude Adjustment for Random Hand-Checks: -25  
 
All in all, it was a less-than promising week one for the new Survivors. Shii Ann has the early point lead with +100, while Erin, Stephanie, and Ken also remain in the plus column. Those of you who know my track record should lay money on Shii Ann’s early departure, as Diva of the Week is often a kiss of death.  
 
Elder Jan and Slacker Robb were the biggest losers this week, proving that anti-Diva status has no link to age. Jan is capable of making a Kathy-like turnaround in weeks to come, though it seems unlikely she will have the time.  
 
I’m not sure much can be done for Robb, short of stripping him, shaving his head, and taping his mouth shut. Which reminds me of a porno I rented once… but that’s another story…  
 
There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.  
 
Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary about S5 from a gay point of view.
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #4 on: Sep 23rd, 2002, 7:23pm »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
Quote:
Erin Collins  
Diva Points for the Left One: +25  
Diva Points for the Right One: +25  

 
:rofl:
Would someone explain to me why women who opt for breast-implants choose to ignore their body-type and proportions, and end up with two obviously artificial beach balls in their bikini tops?
 
Eric.
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #5 on: Oct 2nd, 2002, 3:03pm »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
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Gay Survivor Journal – Week Two: Sick and Thai-ered
 
Those of you who wait weekly with baited breath for my column may notice that I am fashionably late this week, due to a bout with the flu. I attempted to write this article at the height of my illness, only to find the next morning that my fever-induced scribblings resembled the later works of Salvador Dali. Writing, (like competing on Survivor,) is something best done at 98.6 degrees.
 
BY LARRY JOHNSON
Wednesday, October 2, 2002
 
I feel somewhat better now, though I am hopped up on a Sudafed/Claratin/Xanax cocktail that makes me refreshingly clear headed, and yet comfortably fuzzy edged at the same time. The primary side effect, unfortunately, is that I am alarmingly bloated. And I don’t mean simple ‘puffy but still skinny’ bloated. I’m talking Anna Nicole bloated. I’m talking ‘pull the fat-clothes out of mothballs’ bloated. It is not pretty.
 
But I digress.
 
This week, Survivor reminded me a bit of the Quizno’s “Unfair Match-ups” commercials, comparing their sandwiches to the other chains, with pairings such as ‘ninja warriors’ versus ‘nerd accountants.’ On S5, it’s ‘Beauty and Brawn’ versus… ‘Lack Thereof.’ And it is painful to watch.
 
For those of you who still haven’t purchased Tivo and ‘forgot’ to set the VCR, Thursday’s episode involved ridiculously lopsided tribes, a flower-building challenge, (I’m not making this up,) and the subsequent booting of the Chewy Cherub, Perky-Pukey Tenessee Tanya.
 
We feel your pain, Tanya. When you puked, we puked. (We, of course, didn’t do it in front of millions of viewers.)
 
Sook Jai Tribe (Sooky-Sooky-Fooky-Fooky.)
 
Jake Billingsley  
Jake had a mostly-MIA week, seen briefly in conservative khaki shorts and little more. While my taste typically trends younger, I have to admit that Jake’s silver-haired, Crest white-smile, toned-bodied look (well, relatively toned, considering his age,) is not without its charms.
 
Erin Collins  
Erin was fashionable as always, especially when she donned a tiny black bikini top and unpretentious khaki drawstring pants. She had a rather unfortunate moment, though, which earns her a Fashion Citation this week. In the challenge, she slipped and fell, landing silicone-first onto the flower-petal-diving-platform. Without the padding, I’m certain she would have been gravely injured, but she ‘bounced back’ quickly, showing no signs of injury. The look on Jeff Probst’s face? Priceless.
 
Fashion Citation for Ungraceful Entrance: -25
 
Stephanie Dill  
This week, Stephanie wasn’t deceased, but she certainly did a fine imitation of a corpse. Pale, gaunt, and listless, Stephanie showed no signs of the Diva potential she exhibited last week. Perhaps this-week’s booting of sick Tanya will clue her in that such behavior will not be tolerated in a Diva.
 
Clueless Quote of the Week
(About her lazy-alliance with Jake) “If you took the two of us out of the equation, I’m not sure how the other six would do.” (Lose a couple challenges, and you’ll find out.)
Dead Girl Walking Deduction: -25
 
Jed Hildebrand  
Jed was mostly low profile this week, seen only when whining. His Diva Points, however, were earned at the challenge. In a Christopher Atkins Blue Lagoon moment (reminiscent of S4’s Gabe), Jed was seen underwater, his blonde hair flowing, and his lowrise shorts riding low as ever. For those who missed it, he made a repeat performance when subbing for challenge-dud Penny.
 
Diva Points for Gabe Redux: +25
 
Shii Ann Huang  
Shii Anne is Runner Up Diva of the Week this week, earning the title with her versatile wardrobe. Girlfriend appears to have packed more than Ginger for this three-hour tour. Most memorable were her monochrome khaki bratop-and-pants set, and her pretty-in-pink bikini (perfectly accessorized with her purple buff.)
 
Runner Up Diva of the Week: No Points (a Diva is second to no one.)
 
Penny Ramsey  
Penny may have been challenge-challenged, but she sure looked sweet doing it. Much of the episode she was seen in an oversized red Abercrombie and Fitch sweatshirt, that on anyone else would be ordinary, but on her has that “I borrowed it from my football player boyfriend after we did it” look that is oh-so-sexy. Later, she looked perky in an orange and yellow patterned sportsbra and casual black shorts.
 
Diva Points for Casual Class: +25
 
Ken Stafford  
Ken was mostly MIA, seen most interestingly in royal blue swimshorts with a black waistband. His lean (but ghastly pale) physique got plenty of exposure this week, and I hope his luxury item was sunblock.
 
Robb Zbacnik  
Last week’s annoying freak was this week’s peacemaker, as Robb tried to bridge the gap between the slackers and the over achievers. Yet, though he had an image makeover from the editors, his fashion errors were impossible to edit out. In his black knit cap, huge earrings, multiple tattoos, and too-long lowrise black shorts, Robb looked like the love child of Gomez Adams and Courtney Love.
 
Fashion Citation for Repeat Offenses: -25
 
Chuay Gahn Tribe (The Chewies)
 
Jan Gentry  
Jan receives another Fashion Citation this week for her Hillbilly Chic yellow and blue plaid one-piece bathing suit. I’m certain there is a rack of these on clearance at Wal-Mart, marked down because even sub-suburban bargain shoppers have some taste.
 
Fashion Citation for Bad in Plaid: -25
 
Helen Glover  
Helen gets a Citation for ‘unrequested nudity’ this week. In her too-tight black shorts and black sportsbra, she fed us a hearty portion of back-bacon, (forcing Jewish viewers to atone.) She fared better in her baggy black T-shirt and shades, proving the adage “If you got it, flaunt it. If you got too much of it, cover it.” Helen also receives an Attitude Adjustment for her Anniversary tears. One wonders what she would be like if she wasn’t ‘covering her emotions.’
 
Quote of the Week
(Passive-aggressively complaining about Jan) “Jan nicely volunteered to stay with the boat on all of the explorations.”
Best Quote of Episode Two
(More anti-Jan whining) “If I had a pistol in my pocket, I would have pulled it out, shot her first, shot me second. That’s why I don’t carry a gun.” (Millions of viewers had one thought… please, Mark Burnett, for Chuay Gahn’s sake, get Helen a gun!)
Fashion Citation for Overexposure: -25
Attitude Adjustment for Uncovered Tears: -25
Best Quote of Week Two: +50
 
Brian Heidik
Brian debuted his tiny tight black swimsuit this week, to mixed reviews. While on the one hand, skimpy and black is always good; on the other hand Brian’s less than perfect tummy seemed a bit over-exposed. All things considered, it’s a wash, and he won’t get points or deductions for fashion this week. He will, however, receive a major citation for Offenses to the Eardrum. As he led the Chewies in a horrific rendition of “Happy Anniversary to You,” I was nearly brought to tears. I haven’t heard singing this bad since American Idol’s Burt Bacharach Medley.
 
Disharmony Deduction: -25
 
Ghandia Johnson  
Ghandia’s black sportsbra reared its ugly head again this week, and in this week’s quote, she defended the garment in question as a strategic choice. Discerning viewers know better; (see Helen’s ‘cover it’ comment above.)
 
Quote of the Week
(About her sportsbra) “I think it would be good to distract the other team with my cleavage.”
Fashion Citation for Assault with two Dangerous Weapons: -25
 
Clay Jordan
Clay made Day 4 look like Day 400 in a battered sleeveless blue Henley that he apparently purchased at his local Goodwill Center. Where did Mark Burnett find these people anyway? In a barn? Clay’s spot-on description of Helen earned him a quotable moment, though.
 
Quote of the Week
(About Helen) “She’s kinda got the personality of an encyclopedia. You open it up, ain’t nothin in there fun to read.”
Fashion Citation for Farmhouse Chic: -25
 
Ted Rogers Jr.
This week Ted was seen in red/orange/black fire patterned shorts that were truly hideous. Fortunately for Ted, he could not see the horrible pattern, or anything else below his third-trimester waistline. Ted’s quotable moment came in a cringe-worthy love song, which he apparently penned himself.
 
Quote of the week
(Sung. If you could call it singing.) “I wish I had some steak with mashed potatoes and some raspberry ice cream.”
Fashion Citation for Retina-Burning shorts: -25
Tanya Vance
 
(Deceased 9/26/02) In an unusual feat, Tanya wins Diva of the Week on her way out the door. Seen this week in cute pigtail braids (reminiscent of Maryanne from Gilligan’s Island), a blue tankini top (which revealed a tasteful lower back ‘tribal sun’ tattoo,) blue patterned short-shorts, and the best abs this side of West Hollywood; Tanya was simply too waifish to last. Perhaps it is a good thing she is gone, as she became fashionably-thinner with every purge, inspiring bulimics everywhere to redouble their efforts.
 
Diva of the Week: +50
 
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------ --------
 
Holding the week two lead is Shii Ann, with 100 points overall, while Erin, Jed and Ken also remain in the plus column. Still in the back of the pack are Elder Jan and Slacker Robb, with -75 points, though ‘it couple’ Clay and Ted are close behind with -50.
 
There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.
 
 
Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary about S5 from a gay point of view.
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
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http://www.survivornews.net/article.php?id=114
 
Gay Survivor Journal – Week Three: Fit to be Thaied
 
Why do I feel like this is Survivor Marquesas Redux? All of my Divas are dropping like flies. Oh, the inhumanity!
BY LARRY JOHNSON
Friday, October 4, 2002
 
Let us take a moment of silence to mourn the passing of the Survivor with the biggest pecs-to-waist ratio, the first male in Survivor history with a waist small enough to wear his buff as a belt, the man with teeth so white he could use them as an extra lantern, Jed the ‘Frickin’-Lazy’ Delegating Dentist Dimwit.
 
With Jed gone, Brian is starting to look better to me, (despite the keyring boxer-briefs that look like he purchased them at the International Male Fire Island Outlet,) but more about that later…
 
For those of you who were out making unwarranted sexual advances, (instead of watching them on TV like the rest of us,) and missed the cornucopia of human oddity we lovingly call Survivor Thailand Episode Three, the challenge involved assembling and re-assembling a temple, (a vital survivor skill,) a Sooky intentional loss, and the unceremonious booting of the guy I slept with last night (in my dreams.)
 
Has anyone but me noticed the lack of costume changes in this spectacle? Did the budget get cut? Why is it that on episode three my fashion critiques are already repetitive? Someone pull Bob Mackie out of the ICU and fly him to Thailand right away.
 
Sook Jai Tribe (Sooky-Sooky-Fooky-Fooky.)
 
Jake Billingsley  
Was Jake in this episode? For a tribal leader, he sure is looking like a follower this week. Normally, I would recommend against a Diva letting others shine, but when those others are Robb and Jed, it may be a good move. Perhaps a Diva knows when to shine, and when to hide under a bushel. (What is a bushel, anyway? Just curious.)
 
Diva Points for Leading from Behind the Scenes: 25
 
Erin Collins  
Is it just me, or are Erin’s breasts actually getting larger? (Too bad she isn’t lactating, or they might provide an excellent protein-rich food source for her tribe… and the entire population of Thailand.) Erin was seen in one new outfit this week, a gray/black cropped sleeveless T with low-rise short shorts that showed off her hip-flexors. (If those things were any lower, we could have determined Erin’s real hair color.) Erin also showed us some balls this week, in her quotable quote.
 
Quote of the Week:
“The majority of us don’t care weather or not we win immunity, we actually hope that we lose, we need to get rid of some people.”
Diva Points for How-Low-Can-You-Go Rise: 25
 
Stephanie Dill  
Stephanie is still in the running for Dullest Survivor Since Amber, spending this entire episode in a protein-deprived fog. She is looking rail-thin in her cute black tank and shorts set, but not necessarily in a good way.
 
Clueless Look of the Week:
(At tribal council) Stephanie furrowed her brows quizzically as if to ask: “Where was I when they decided to vote for Jed?” (It’s just a guess, but I’d say, probably… SLEEPING!)
Dullest Survivor Ever Deduction: -25
 
Jed Hildebrand
(Deceased 10/3/02.) Can you say MORON? Jed’s ‘alienate everyone’ strategy practically screamed ‘vote me out.’ Why are the pretty ones always so unbearably stupid? Perhaps if he had starved for a few more days, we may have seen those tan shorts fall completely off. But alas it’s not to be. Maybe next year in Playgirl?
 
‘Dumb as a Stump’ Deduction: -50
‘I Like Them Pretty and Dumb’ Bonus: 50
 
Shii Ann Huang  
Shii Anne is Diva of the Week for the second time, (after being momentarily dethroned by the late great Tanya.) Not only did she continue to display impeccable fashion sense, but she also displayed a Diva Attitude as big as Texas (which is ironic, considering she’s actually the only Survivor not from Texas.)
 
Quote of the Week:
(About the lack of food.) “Look at me, I’m Ally McBeal size!”
(About the challenge.) “We lost immunity! Surprise! You see, I could do a logic puzzle in my sleep. That one that we did today? So easy. What happened? I could have stepped in. Jake could have stepped in. But did we step in? No!”
Look of the Week:
(At tribal council.) The look on Shii Anne’s face as she received her third vote seemed to say: “You did me a favor! Thanks for helping me determine the first three boot-ees!”
Diva of the Week: 50 Points
Best Quotes of Week Three: 50 Points
 
Penny Ramsey  
Penny appears to be hiding under a bushel with Jake this week. (Sorry for the Douglas/Zeta-Jones image I just placed in some of your dirty minds.) Her only noticeable moment was at the challenge, with a repeat performance of her cute-as-a-button baby blue patterned tank and trunk set. This thing is tight, and girlfriend does not have one ounce of cellulite peeking out around the edges. You go!
 
Diva Points for Lean and Not So Mean: 25
 
Ken Stafford  
Ken’s ‘holier than thou’ attitude is starting to rub me the wrong way. (Though his leaner by the day bod is starting to rub me the right way, if you know what I mean.) So you like sheds, Ken. Others are anti-shed. Who’s to say who is wrong and who is right? (I personally wouldn’t be caught dead in a shed. They’re just soooo pedestrian. Can we build a Palazzo instead?) His quotable quote comes in a parting shot at ‘you’re cuter than me so you have to go’ Jed.
 
Quote of the Week:
“If you did half the chores you tried to delegate to other people, this wouldn’t have happened.” (So he over delegated. Is that reason enough to boot him first? Explain to me why that is worse than laying sick on the beach in the rain for 5 days?)
‘Kicking off the cutest guy’ deduction: -25
‘Becoming almost cute enough to replace him’ Adjustment: +25
 
Robb Zbacnik  
I am actually bored of criticizing Robb’s horrific wardrobe. This week, I tried to think of something kind to say, (needless to say, I failed.) Of course, my mother always said, if you can’t say something nice, come over and stand by me. I think I’ll let Robb speak for himself:
 
Clueless Quote of the Week:
(About Clay.) “Backwoods hick. I wanted to spit in his face… I got a good shot on homeboy from the backwoods.” (Note to Robb: Most of your tribe is from the ‘backwoods.’ Hello!)
Look of the Week:
As Robb prepared for Tribal Council, he took a minute to look in his ‘so-7-years-ago’ mirrored shades, and fix the rats nest he calls hair. The biggest waste of five minutes since the last time I slept with my ex-boyfriend.
Fashion Citation for Misplaced Narcissism: -25
 
Chuay Gahn Tribe (The Chewies)
 
Jan Gentry  
In a predictable move, Jan receives YET ANOTHER Fashion Citation this week. This week she was seen in her ubiquitous plaid one-piece, with the cheeks of her ass completely hanging out it, as if it were some sort of baggy thong-back body suit. If I wasn’t gay already, I sure would be now. Please, Jan, put those things away!
 
Fashion Citation for Baggy Saggy Haggy: -25
 
Helen Glover  
Other than commenting on Helen’s repetitive and dull-as-toast wardrobe, there is little to say about her this week. She was in the middle of a ‘telephone-game-gone-bad,’ but in a surprisingly cunning way, which moves her at least two spots lower on the boot list. And who would’ve thought that crazy-militant-biotch would have a chance in hell? Can you say Kathy? She’ll get no diva points from me this week, but I smell change in the wind.
 
Brian Heidik  
We saw more of Brian’s tiny black bathing suit this week. What the heck is that keyring in the middle of the crotch? Is it some sort of bondage thing? Is that where you attach the bungee cord? Or is he wearing them inside out, and that’s the ‘support ring’? I don’t get it. (And, for those of you who may not have been paying attention, he seemed to have no problem filling the front of them, if you get my drift.) I was dumbstruck… and left wondering… where can I get a pair of these! They would look so cute with my Kenneth Cole sandals!
 
Diva Points for Courageous Trendsetting: +25
 
Ghandia Johnson  
Girlfriend, this was not your week. You completely freaked out and over reacted, alienating yourself from everyone. I realize I run the risk of offending militant feminists here. (Who am I kidding? Militant feminists would rather shoot themselves with their NRA supported shotguns than read my column.) But when you look like Ghandia, you probably should be thrilled when ANYONE grinds you. (And anyway, in my book, grinding is not cheating, unless you are naked.)
 
Kindergarten Quote of the Week:
“I heard from Helen that Ted told Brian that nothing happened!” Then we all played Duck-Duck-Goose and took a nap.
Quote of the Week:
(In the middle of her rant about Ted.) “Buttcrack showin’ every day!” (Well. Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle…)
Attitude Adjustment for Violating Vecepia’s No-Drama Rule: -25
 
Clay Jordan  
Clay seemed to stay out of the drama, which either was clueless, or incredibly shrewd. He too appears to have stepped a few places back on the boot list. Not bad for a ‘backwoods hick.’
 
Quote of the week:
(About Ghandia’s childish antics.) “My two year old did that one time, I whipped his ass and put him back in bed.” Now if Clay did THAT to Ghandia, THEN she might have a valid lawsuit.
Drama Avoidance Bonus: +25
 
Ted Rogers Jr.  
Buttcrack exposing aside, it appears that Ted may come out of this unscathed. Rumors are, he loses a lot of weight and stays around a while. Let’s just hope he starts shedding those pounds soon, because that belly of his currently occupies its own zip-code. His quotable quote comes during the whole Ghandia fiasco.
 
Quote of the Week:
“I’m not even attracted to you! I am 150-200% happy with the wife that I have!” (Not a math major, were you Ted?)
 
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------ --------
 
Summary
 
Way out in the Week Three lead is Shii Ann, with 200 points overall, while Erin, Jake, Penny and Ken also remain in the plus column. (Not-so-coincidentally, they are all from Sooky!) Still in the back of the pack are Elder Jan and Slacker Robb, with -100 points. New ‘it couple’ Ghandia and Ted are close behind with -50 points.
 
There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.
 
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
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http://www.survivornews.net/article.php?id=119
 
Did ‘He’ really grind her like Starbucks beans? Did ‘She’ really ask for it with her ‘temptress’ ways? Did Helen vote with her heart or her head? In the grand scheme of things, does any of this matter?
BY LARRY JOHNSON
Sunday, October 13, 2002
 
While my flight-attendant boyfriend happily served passengers somewhere over the Atlantic, I slept alone this Thursday night. And, in juxtaposition, I learned that watching Survivor alone is not unlike masturbating to porn. The good part is only a couple minutes long; it’s only marginally enjoyable, (and not very emotionally fulfilling,) but in the end you are left satisfied (and a bit sleepy.)
 
Did ‘He’ really grind her like Starbucks beans? Did ‘She’ really ask for it with her ‘temptress’ ways? Did Helen vote with her heart or her head? In the grand scheme of things, does any of this matter? Is my life so empty and meaningless that I must rely on these fools to make me feel better about myself?
 
Damn right!
 
For those of you who were, by the grace of some higher power (insert your deity of choice here,) spared the din of human inequity otherwise known as Survivor Thailand Episode Four, feel free to fast-forward through the first 45 minutes of ‘he-said-she-said’ Chewy drama. Feel free to also speed past the record-breakingly-dull puzzle challenge (gee, no wonder the previews didn’t show this!) which involved using your ‘brain.’ (The only person who actually had a brain to use was Shii Ann, so the Chewies were sent to tribal council yet again.) Please also use the remote to pass the manufactured drama at tribal council. Then, play the last 3 satisfying minutes, as the Chewies finally vote out ‘should’ve-gone-in-week-one’ Ghandia.
 
Now that’s satisfying!
 
(This week, please note that the editor left in approximately 35 seconds of footage from the Sook Jai tribe. I think we saw Penny’s left foot once, and the back of Erin’s head. Pardon me if my Sooky commentary is limited.)
 
Sook Jai Tribe (The Sookies)
 
Jake Billingsley
At the challenge this week, Jake sported a black tank and matching black shorts (with his ubiquitous cowboy hat.) Slimming, casual yet elegant, age-appropriate… perfection!
 
Diva Points for Basic Black: +25
 
Erin Collins
I got nothing on Erin this week, I’m sorry to say. So I will use this forum to weigh in on an issue that is plaguing the internet. Is Erin really a transsexual? Those who believe so point to her scratchy voice, the scar on her neck (possible Adam’s apple removal,) her complete lack of hips, and her large fake breasts. I, however, must disagree. While Erin is no doubt a fake in many ways, I believe she was born a woman. I base this theory on my complete lack of sexual attraction toward her.
 
MIA deduction: -25
Diva Points for Inspiring Internet Gossip: +25 (Hey, any publicity is good publicity, right?)
 
Stephanie Dill
Like Lazarus, Stephanie rose from the dead this week. And all it took was a couple of bananas. Her lean, cut body sprung back to life, and not a moment too soon. And who knew she was a fashion designer? Her dummy-painting skills are second to none. She was quote-worthy this week, also, as her anti-Sooky assessments continued.
 
Quote of the week:
“It’s kinda like the screw-in-the-light bulb joke. I mean how many (Sookies) does it take to build a damn fire?”
Diva Points for Diva Dummy Design: +25
 
Shii Ann Huang
Shii Ann continued in her role as Sooky Voice of Reason. Yet it is clear that her cutting commentary is saved for confessionals only, as she seems to have maintained a good relationship with her fellow Sookies. And she single-handedly solved the ‘Ancient Asian Cultural Reference’ puzzle. (Could this have been any more stacked against the Chewies?) Girl done good.
 
Penny Ramsey
Was Penny in this episode? Or did she and Vecepia get the first three weeks off? At some pojnt, we will have to learn who Penny is and why we should care that she is voted off, or why we should care that she wins. (Of course, we never learned these things about Vecepia, either, so maybe not.)
 
MIA Deduction: -25
 
Ken Stafford
Ken was featured only briefly this week, but one shining image earns him Diva of the Week. Prior to the challenge, he used Erin’s body paint to scrawl NYPD in block letters on his biceps, like a warrior threat. As he and Shii Ann completed the Temple puzzle, he clenched his fist, flexing his biceps, and the camera instinctively pulled in on this glorious sight. Sometimes, strong but silent types are Divas too.
 
Diva of the Week: 50 points
 
Robb Zbacnik
Robb finally found someone at his intelligence level to bond with, as the chickens arrived at Sook Jai. He is quoteworthy this week, as he assumed a leadership role amongst the other animals. (Thus establishing the ‘pecking order.’ Sorry, I couldn’t resist that one. I’ll limit lame chicken-related puns in the future, I promise.)
 
Quote of the Week:
(To the new chicks.) “I expect there to be eggs, or somebody’s getting axed. Look at me when I’m talking to you!”
 
Oaturat, The Sooky Dummy
The Sooky Warrior looked fierce in a goatee, purple cropped hair, purple and black patterned sleeveless T, and black shell necklace. His purple boots, grass skirt and purple shawl were perhaps a bit effeminate, but who am I to complain!
 
Chuay Gahn Tribe (The Chewies)
 
Jan Gentry
Jan let her hair down (literally, not figuratively,) this week, and the ring of curly blonde Shirley Temple locks was every bit as disconcerting as her usual Cindy Brady Pigtails. Wow, this woman has age-inappropriate hair issues that go beyond the style, beyond the cut, down to the root. My advice? Shave it all off and start from scratch. Or how about a nice Debbie Reynolds wig?
 
Quote of the week:
(Randomly, without any prompting.) “I’m putting the order in for a bigger butt next life.”
 
Fashion Citation for Impersonating Shirley Temple’s Grandma: -25
 
Helen Glover
Helen’s gray roots began to peek out this week from beneath her unnaturally-black hair, as a skunk-stripe in the front, (similar to the color of her ghoulish skin.) This failed, however, to soften her appearance in any way. In fact, it leant credence to the theory that she is actually the bride of Frankenstein.
 
Fashion Citation for Impersonating a Skunk: -25
 
Brian Heidik
With Brian’s citation-worthy bleached-Elvis hairdo, furry gray chest hair, and spotty beard, he is really starting to fit the ‘washed-up-porn-star’ image more and more. He also gets an Attitude Adjustment this week for his (sarcastic?) assessment of sex-roles on Chuay Gahn.
 
Sarcastic? Quote of the Week:
“They naturally went to their duties, which is cooking and cleaning, and actually, I got some clothes that I got to have them wash, too… ladies?”
Sexist Quote of the week, Take Two:
“And then Granny… I mean how much use is she?”
 
Attitude Adjustment for Smug Sexism: -25
 
Ghandia Johnson
(Deceased 10/10/02) No mistake, it was the Ghandia Variety Hour this week, and I could fill a page with her quotes of the week. I could also fill a page with citations, but her most egregious violation came as she paraded nude in front of the cave. For the love of god, Ghandia, put that sh*t away! Even ‘fully’ clothed in her black bra-top and olive cargo shorts, there was way too much skin hanging out for my tastes. My recommendation? How about a nice pup tent?
 
Quotes of the week:
(Sarcastic.) “Love, love love, love everywhere! These six self-sacrificing people commune together in this cave, just a big love fest!”
(Whiny.) “I have a husband at home, okay? I didn’t come here to acquire three more!” (Note to Ghandia: After this, you may need to acquire at least one new husband.)
(Honest.) “The evil Ghandia came to rear her ugly head, and the good Ghandia just couldn’t stop her!”
Fashion Citation for Unrequested Nudity: -25
Drama Queen Deduction: -25
Best Quotes of Week Four: +50
 
Clay Jordan
Clay has undoubtedly lost some weight, as his tacky cotton mis-matched wardrobe is now ill-fitting as well. Also, with the fat loss comes an unfortunate side effect; his excess flesh is now hanging over his waistline. Without a plastic surgeon in sight for a tummy-tuck, I’m afraid we will have to look at the offending skinflap for weeks. Please, for our sake, vote Clay off next!
 
Quotes of the Week:
(To Ted.) “I swear to god, there’s a dummy over there, as big as your ass!” (Correction for Clay: The dummy, though quite large, is no where near as big as Ted’s Godzilla-sized ass.)
 
Fashion Citation for Excess Baggage: -25
 
Ted Rogers Jr.
While Ted’s weight loss continues as well, his is a much longer road. I would think he would need to be on the island for another six to eight years before he would reach a weight I would call desirable. In the meantime, I wish he would PUT A SHIRT ON. I will say nothing more on this issue.
 
Quote of the week:
(While voting to oust Ghandia.) “This vote is personal, and I truly hope I never ever see you in my life again.”
Fashion Citation for Beer-Belly-Baring: -25
Bonus Quote of the Week:
(Ted, to Clay and Brian, about the ‘grinding’ incident.) “If I was cuddling up with one of you guys, I woulda probably done the same thing.”
(Clay, in response.) “And I wouldn’t of waited till morning, I’d a-said Ted, get your ass away from me right now!”
 
Does anyone have a loofa so I can scrub that image from my brain?
 
Chuaygal, The Chewy Dummy
Girl had it goin on in her grass skirt, floral headband, colorful tattoos, and Madonna orange coconut bra. Her garish orange lipstick may have been a bit over-the-top, but it played well off her golden tan skin. Her Tammy-Fae mascara, however, was simply unacceptable.
 
Summary
 
Still holding the Week Four lead is Shii Ann, with 200 points overall, while Erin, Jake, Penny and Ken still remain in the plus column. Taking the ‘lead’ at the back of the pack is Granny Jan with -125 points.
 
There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.
 
Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary about S5 from a gay point of view.
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #8 on: Oct 16th, 2002, 4:05pm »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
i have been reading larry's article since s2 or 23 and he ROCKS!
 
 :rofl:
 
i just read all the the s5 articles for the first time and love his comments about robb ~
 
Quote:
As Robb prepared for Tribal Council, he took a minute to look in his ‘so-7-years-ago’ mirrored shades, and fix the rats nest he calls hair. The biggest waste of five minutes since the last time I slept with my ex-boyfriend.  
Fashion Citation for Misplaced Narcissism: -25

 
misplaced narcissism ~ i love it!
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #9 on: Oct 22nd, 2002, 4:43pm »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
GSJ Week 5 - The Thai-de Is High
 
Larry Johnson, on the lack of drama in Episode 5 of Survivor: Thailand.
BY LARRY JOHNSON
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
 
In addition to the many love letters I receive from my hordes of fans, I also receive quite a few complaints. Some criticize my harshness; some argue with my Diva choices; some even have the unmitigated gall to question my mastery of the English language. These things I have come to expect. (My column is not intended for everyone, after all, only for those with culture and taste.)
 
But this week, for the first time, I received mail in defense of masturbation. Yes, a reader felt that comparing masturbation to Survivor was an insult to masturbators everywhere.
 
This week, I offer that pro-masturbation lobbyists need not worry that Survivor-watching will replace it as the ‘home-alone-Thursday-night’ activity of choice. This week’s episode proved beyond reasonable doubt that Survivor is no challenge for ‘domain-mastering’, because it is missing the requisite ‘big finish.’ In fact, if there were an award given for ‘Most Anti-climactic Show Ever,’ this episode would win it, ‘hands down.’
 
For those of you who were spared the entertainment-sucking-black-hole-at-8pm we lovingly call Survivor Thailand, Episode Five, here it was in a nutshell:
 
The commercials promised excitement! (The show gave us none.)
 
The tide washes Chewers’ boat away! (So they have to swim more. Big whoop.)
 
The Suckers eat a chicken! (There is soooo much drama in chicken-eating.)
 
The tribes are given an opportunity to swap! (No one takes it. Yes, you heard me right. No one.)
 
Yet another new and exciting challenge! (The action-packed ‘fish sorting’ challenge. Another vital survival skill mastered by the Chewers.)
 
Anti-Shii Ann sentiment raises to a fever pitch! (Stephanie, not Shii Ann, is booted, as anyone who had seen one minute of any previous episode could have guessed.)
 
Sook Jai Tribe (The Suckers)
 
Jake Billingsley
Jake continued to win the hearts of Americans everywhere with his homespun charm and fatherly (but somehow also sexy) ways. This week’s CBS-Family-Friendly moment came as Jake comforted a near-tears Shii Ann, telling her to pretend that those talking about her behind her back were doing so because they ‘liked her.’ Please, Jake, Shii Ann’s imagination may not be THAT good.
 
More quote-worthy however, was Jake’s account of the moment Robb was ‘bitten’ by a stingray.
 
Quote of the Week:
“We heard Robb scream, and that’s nothin unusual for Robb, so nobody thought too much about it.”
Diva Points for Michael Landon Moment: 25
 
Erin Collins
Erin wins Diva Points this week, for making the most of her limited on-camera time by wearing as little as one can, on CBS at 8pm. Her tiny chocolate brown bikini has won raves from me before, and will again this week. If ya got em, flaunt em, I say, and girl definitely got em. (Whether or not she can form a complete sentence, however, is yet to be determined.)
 
Diva Points for Fabric Conservation: 25
MIA Deduction: -25
 
Stephanie Dill
(DOA: 11/17/02) ‘Dead Girl Walking’ signed her death warrant weeks ago, and so the only surprise here was that it didn’t happen sooner. (To be fair, she did dress well as she exited, in a cute monochromatic tan ensemble.) I would love to say that she will be missed, but ‘zombie-girl’ will not.
 
Quote of the week:
(At the offer to switch tribes.) “My immediate reaction was like, I really gotta do this! I just didn’t.” (Note to future contestants: “Complete Motionlessness” is not a good strategic choice.)
 
Shii Ann Huang
Shii Ann earns Diva of the Week yet again, with a blazing performance that included attitude, style and even range of emotion (unlike her wooden counterparts.) And in her purple buff tube top, pink oxford shirt, khaki shorts and hat, she proved that retro-preppy is the style du jour for the Diva island vacationer.
 
Quotes of the week:
(About the chicken, but also a sign of things to come for her?) “In my family, the heart is great eats!”
(Secretly, at the Tribe Swap offer.) “Does anyone know I hate this tribe? I wanna leave.”
(Publicly, at Tribal Council.) “I really like this tribe, and I feel very comfortable here.”
Diva of the Week for Retro Preppy (Which is In!): 50
 
Penny Ramsey
In her blue/navy sleeveless T (tied in the back, to reveal her lean tummy) and her blue short-shorts, Penny was, as always, impeccably dressed; and her perky French-braids (which, interestingly enough, matched Stephanie’s) were perfect. The casual viewer, however, may have blinked and missed Penny in her ‘walk-on’ role this week.
 
Diva Points for Fabric Conservation: 25
MIA Deduction: -25
 
Ken Stafford
After winning Diva of the Week last week, Ken moved into the shadows this week. One would think Ken must have something interesting to say? I suppose we will have to wait yet another week.
 
MIA Deduction: -25
 
Robb Zbacnik
Robb was a fashion emergency yet again this week, most egregiously in his olive tank top, black army boots and ¾ length camouflage pedal-pushers. This retro-grunge look was topped off with filthy unflatteringly center-parted black hair.
 
Quotes of the Week:
(Shii Ann bashing.) “She licks her fingers too much, then reaches back in and grabs stuff everybody else is eating, it’s just gross.”
(After being ‘bitten’ by a stingray.) “Sorta hurts, Jake, sorta hurts. Please don’t touch it like that. Damn it, it fucking hurts!”
(Cocky, at Tribal Council.) “We’ll see what the future holds for Chuay Gahn.”
Best Quote of Week Five:
(As he voted for Shii Ann) “You get on my nerves and I don’t like being around you. Nothing personal.” (Gee, Robb, what would you consider personal?)
Fashion Citation for Retro-Grunge (Which is Out!): -25
Best Quote of Week Five: +50
 
Chuay Gahn Tribe (The Chewers)
 
Jan Gentry
Crazy Granny had quite a week, earning yet another Fashion Citation for her social faux pas of speaking with a mouth full of nachos. She uttered something resembling “It’s awesome,” while strings of cheese hung from her mouth, and bits of tomato spewed out.
 
Quote of the week:
(In an annoying singsong tone.) “You’re putting me in charge of this money? See ya! Wouldn’t wanna be ya!”
Citation for Oral Assault and Battery: -25
 
Helen Glover
Despite apparent weight-loss, Helen displayed her love handles yet again this week, in her ill-fitting black shorts and black sports bra. But her deductions come this week from eardrum-assaulting version of Sleighride. Fortunately for Helen, there are no wild dogs on the island, or her piercing soprano would no doubt have caused them to attack her en masse.
 
Citation for Aural Assault and Battery: -25
 
Brian Heidik
As weeks go by and Brian gets thinner, one can’t help but notice a certain part of his body getting more and more prominent by comparison (especially in those lycra short-shorts he loves to wear.) This look is compromised, however, by Brian’s rather unfortunate (and un-sexy) spitting habit.
 
Look of the week:
(In his ‘boat alliance scene’ with Ted) Brian flashed his patented ‘Salesman Smile,’ while pretending to listen to Ted, as if to say to the camera: “Another sale closed! Where’s my commission?”
Diva Points for Accentuating the Positive: 25
Diva Deduction for Wasted Saliva: -25
 
Clay Jordan
Clay’s annoyance with Granny had a certain pot-calling-the-kettle-blackness to it, especially to viewers like me who find Granny’s trailer park hickness somewhat charming, while Clay’s farmhand hickness grates on the nerves.
 
Quote of the week:
“If you gave me a chance right now to have a hamburger French fries, apple dumplin over sex? I’d take the hamburger and French fries with no question, and never look back.” (Please, Clay! For the love of god! No one wants to hear about your sex life!)
Attitude Adjustment for Hick-Bashing: -25
 
Ted Rogers Jr.
The shot of Ted on his back, belly up, on the boat was without doubt one of the most frightening Survivor sights I’ve seen. How that boat remained afloat for the entire trip is beyond me. (I also could have gone my whole life without seeing Ted sweetly kissing Brian on the cheek after the challenge. What was that about?)
 
Quote of the week:
(Trying to blame the monkey for his own misdeeds.) “Hey Magilla! What’s the deal with the boat, man? Why are you always stealing stuff?
Fashion Citation for impersonating a Beached Whale: 25
 
Summary
 
Still holding the Week Five lead is Shii Ann, with 250 points overall, while Erin, Jake, Penny and Ken still remain in the plus column. Increasing the ‘lead’ at the back of the pack is Granny Jan with -150 points.
 
There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.
 
Previous Gay Survivor Journal Articles
 
 
Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary about S5 from a gay point of view.
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #10 on: Oct 29th, 2002, 9:35am »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
http://www.survivornews.net/article.php?id=125
 
It was a kindler, gentler Survivor this week. George Bush would no doubt approve. (Especially with all the Texans present, and the weekly use of the death penalty.)
BY LARRY JOHNSON
Monday, October 28, 2002
 
For those of you who may have been watching some actual sporting event and missed the ‘agony of victory and the thrill of defeat’ that we so lovingly call Survivor Thailand Episode Six, you’re really SOL. It was quite possibly the best episode of Survivor Thailand to date! We finally met the residents of the Sook Jai tribe! The Most Annoying Survivor Ever was finally executed!
 
Have you ever gotten a summary here before? Why should I start giving them now? Suffice it to say, the challenge involved brains, and somehow the Chewies pulled it out anyway. (They were lead, by the way, by none other than Rhodes-scholar Clay. This may have been Shii Ann’s most embarrassing moment… ever.) Skateboarder-Freak Robb was finally booted, after annoying his tribe (and a large portion of America) since day one.
 
Sook Jai Tribe (The Sookies)
 
Jake Billingsley
Jake had a ‘metaphor moment’ this week, as the subtle-as-bricks editor compared chicken-killing to Robb’s impending boot. As Jake nonchalantly wrung its little neck (complete with bone-crunching sound effects!) he said:
 
Quote of the week:
“We love you, Chicken. Thanks for giving your ultimate for us.”
 
Erin Collins
This week Erin finally opened her mouth, and low and behold, she is capable of forming complete sentences! She even used multi-syllabic adjectives like “ornate,” “extravagant,” and “tumultuous.” Wow, all this, and boobs too! Who would have thought?
 
Diva Points for SAT-worthy Word Use: 25
 
Shii Ann Huang
Shii Ann seemed to take a step back this week, relegating her narrator role to Penny (see below.) Her sly ‘cat got the canary’ smile at tribal council said it all though. Girl has that cocky, self-assured attitude that a Diva never leaves the house without.
 
Quote of the week:
(As she voted for Robb.) “There’s an old proverb: ‘a wise man knows much but says little, a fool knows little but says far too much.’ Robb, I was just beginning to like you, but unfortunately buddy you have to go. Sorry, buddy, no hard feelings.”
Diva Points for (Over?)-confidence: 25
 
Penny Ramsey
Penny wins Diva of the week for the first time, as girl finally found her spotlight and stepped into it. Of course, she has always looked fierce. This week was no exception, especially at the challenge, in her tight baby blue 2-piece, and perky French braids, with her buff as a big purple hair ribbon. Finally, however, this week the look matched the attitude, as she came out in full force as the tribe’s (somewhat bossy) leader.
 
(A small negative moment was in the night shots, where the night-vision makes her downright ghostly-frightening, just in time for Halloween!)
 
Quote of the Week:
(To the arguing ‘children,’ during the challenge.) “Hush, right now! Hush! Listen! I’m gonna’ start launching them in the middle, and I want all four of your butts running in the middle, and let’s get ‘em in the baskets!”
Diva of the Week: 50
 
Ken Stafford
Ken stepped into the foreground this week as well, most memorably at the challenge, where he doffed his shirt, revealing a fetching set of rippling back muscles. He was quite quoteworthy too, especially when speaking to ‘younger brother’ Robb.
 
Quotes of the Week:
“I just think you’ve got some set of balls to approach me with this.”
“I tell you one thing that I never imagined that I’d be hanging out with skateboarder freaks.”
Diva Points for ‘Turning His Back on Us’: 25
 
Robb Zbacnik
(Deceased 10/24/02) While I was thrilled to see Robb get axed this week, I will have to admit I will miss his unintentionally funny quotes.
 
Quotes of the Week:
“Ken and I really squashed the beef.” (Is it just me, or does that sound homo-erotic?)
“Savoring… a canteen full of water that’s warm as piss and tastes even worse.” (I hope this doesn’t mean you’ve tasted piss?)
“Before I left, you know what I thought was important to me, how much money I made a week, and getting wasted.” (Please note that he said this while… completely wasted.)
“Thanks bro. Much love dude. You guys rule, good luck. Play hard dude. For real, you guys are all with me. My hats are off to you. Much love.” (Standard skateboarder-freak farewell wishes.)
Best Quotes of Week Six: 50
 
Chuay Gahn Tribe (The Chewies)
 
Jan Gentry
Jan receives a Drama Queen Deduction this week for unwarranted tears, in regards to the dead bat embryo. Brian and I both were wondering if she isn’t ‘losing it,’ or perhaps ‘going batty.’ (From here on out I will refer to her as ‘Batty Granny Janny.’) In all fairness, though, I should point out that Granny has cried in nearly every episode, and so one can hardly accuse her of ‘losing it.’ Perhaps ‘lost it long ago’ would be more accurate.
 
Quote of the Week:
“I know it’s silly, but I feel sorry for him. So I buried him and he’s happy.”
Drama Queen Deduction for Unwarranted Battiness: -25
 
Helen Glover
Helen is thankfully slimming down quote a bit, as was evident this week in her previously-tight black shorts. Her pale skin, black/gray hair, and vampire-like teeth, however, are still present, just in time for Halloween! Throw a gauzy black dress on her and send her out as a truly scary Morticia Addams! (Be sure to warn those with heart-conditions.)
 
Quote of the week:
I’m looking at this slimy bat, going, uh, yeah, that’s real sad, bury that thing before flies get all over it.”
Fashion Citation for Frightening Coloration: -25
 
Brian Heidik
Brian is slimming down nicely as well, nearly reaching soft-porn-star status. Anyone who caught the sight of his sleek body as he walked up the beach to get tree mail would certainly agree. All that’s missing is a decent haircut… and color… and a full-body-wax.
 
Quote of the Week:
(About Jan’s dead bat.) “I was curious if we could eat it or not.”
Diva Points for Lean and Mean: 25
 
Clay Jordan
In Robb’s absence, we will have to rely on Clay’s brand of homespun-charm as our main source of humor. This week, however, I was only able to find one cringe-worthy quote:
 
Trailer Trash Quote of the Week:
“If I had a little bitty pillow, I’d a laid down on that island and stayed right there.”
 
Ted Rogers Jr.
Last week when I called Ted a ‘beached whale’ I risked offending ‘big-boned’ persons everywhere. This week I feel somewhat vindicated by the fact that Ted himself knows his body has reached orca-status (as was exhibited in his snail-paced inter-island swim.)
 
Quote of the Week:
“I’m just at whale speed.”
Bonus Mathematician Quote of the Week:
“You don’t know how much I hate losing, especially when you’re giving a hundred and a million percent.”
Diva Points for Accurate Self-Awareness: 25
 
Summary
 
Still holding the Week Six lead is Shii Ann, with 275 points overall, but with a couple more appearances like this weeks, Penny could assume Shii Ann’s Grand Diva status. Meanwhile, Erin, Jake, and Ken still remain in the plus column. Increasing the ‘lead’ at the back of the pack is Granny Jan with -175 points.
 
There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.
 
Previous Gay Survivor Journal Articles
 
 
Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary about S5 from a gay point of view.
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #11 on: Nov 4th, 2002, 9:51am »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
http://www.survivornews.net/article.php?id=130
 
GSJ Week 7 - The Thai’s That Bind
 
My heart is heavy this week, as my personal favorite Diva (and holder of an impressive 275 Diva Points this season) has been brutally murdered.
BY LARRY JOHNSON
Sunday, November 3, 2002
 
Many of my otherwise-loyal readers disagreed with me that Shii Ann was THE Survivor Thailand Diva, and have asked me to explain why I supported her week after week when others were put off by her devilish ways. Truth is, readers, I saw Shii Ann as a kindred spirit.
 
Readers may be surprised to hear this, but I was not personally a member of the ‘in crowd’ in high school. It seems that smart, funny, bitchy, talented gay boys are frequently passed over for Prom Queen. Go figure. I really hoped that the smart, nerdy, bitchy outcast would make good! But, as was true for me in high school, the perky blonde cheerleader biotch charmed her way into everyone’s hearts, and wore the crown, while Shii Ann was sent home crying, running her perfectly nice black organza gown. (Wait, that was me…) Anyway…
 
For those of you who missed this week’s episode of Mark Burnett Screws Shii Ann With the Old Bait-and-Switch (AKA: Survivor Thailand Episode 7,) the STILL TRIBAL, NO MERGE challenge involved breaking out of prison (yet another VITAL survival skill, especially when in southeast Asia.) The Chewies won their third straight, and the Shii-devil was sent packing.
 
Sook Jai Tribe (The Sookies)
 
Jake Billingsley
To keep the budget low, this week Jake was reduced to a ‘non-speaking extra’ role. When his hat flew off, and he improvised the line “I’d hate to lose this,” the editors took pity on him and left it in (even though it was pointless and did nothing to forward the plot.)
 
Shrinking Role Deduction: -25
 
Erin Collins
Erin wins Diva points this week, for her delicate and yet ornate body-painting skills. Note how the Sookies all arrived ‘decorated,’ while the Chewies arrived ‘smeared.’ For this, we have Erin “I brought my own body paints” Collins to thank. Special consideration for her NYPD badge, painted on Ken’s rippling pectorals.
 
Quote of the Week:
(To Ken.) “You’re trying to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me.” (Something tells me she has said these words before.)
Diva Points for Body Art: 25
 
Shii Ann Huang
(R.I.P. 10/31/02. Ta-ta for now!) Shii Ann is Runner up Diva of the Week this week, but fat lot of good that will do her. In better times, I may have given her points for her tiny pink bikini. Or perhaps she would have received a bonus for ‘best body paint,’ noting her symmetrical and elegant red swirls. Instead, I’m forced to give her an Attitude Adjustment. At tribal council, her plea (though elegant and well stated) had an air of desperation that a Diva must always avoid.
 
(Also notable was Shii Ann’s Metaphor Moment, as the Shii Ann Caterpillar was eaten by the huge Mark Burnett Spider, right before the challenge.)
 
Quote of the week
“We had a rooster waking us up for a while, but we ate him.”
Runner Up Diva of the Week: 0 points
Attitude Adjustment for ‘Letting Them See You Sweat:’ -25
 
Penny Ramsey
Penny spends her second consecutive episode as Diva of the Week. Clearly, she holds the cards in her tribe, and now that it’s out in the open, her minions have fallen in line to do her bidding. Long live the queen!
 
Snide Quote of the Week:
(At Tribal Council.) “I’ve had plenty of opportunities to vote Shii Ann out if I wanted to.”
Cheerleader Quote of the Week:
The observant viewer will notice little-miss-sweet-and-perfect mouthing the word “FUCK” as she drops a key during the challenge.
Look of the Week:
Penny’s satisfied Cheshire Cat grin (as Shii Ann exited) was even smarmier than any we’ve seen from Shii Ann in the past.
Diva of the Week: 50
 
Ken Stafford
Ken’s most memorable moment came as he bared his perfect chest for Erin’s paintbrush. Beyond that, he was underutilized this episode. So I will take this moment to comment on his eyebrows, which I have not previously mentioned. It is evident on the show (and even more so from the publicity picture which has been circulating of late) that Ken as had these babies waxed. Unfortunately, the waxing ‘expert’ he went to appears to have made them about 3 inches too far apart, giving him a sort of ‘defective mannequin’ look. Note to Ken: Yes, straight men are free to join the eyebrow waxing bandwagon, however, always bring a woman or a gay man with you, to make sure it is done right.
 
Fashion Citation for Blunted Brows: -25
Chuay Gahn Tribe (The Chewies)
 
Jan Gentry
Batty Granny Janny spent most of this episode drunk or hung over. (Of course, this is probably her usual weekend routine; the exception being this was fine wine, and not bootleg moonshine.) Jan receives a Fashion Citation this week for her clumsy drunk fall at the fireside. Brian noted: “Jan’s a lush and she admits it.” And Ted summed it up: “Janny doesn’t drink. Much.” It’s okay for a Diva to imbibe, but the effects should never be visible.
 
Jan also receives a Citation for her use of Patina as a base color. The Statue of Liberty look is soooo 13-months-ago.
 
Fashion Citation for “Hitting the Bricks”: -25
Fashion Citation for “Minty Freshness”: -25
 
Helen Glover
Helen’s face painting skills leave much to be desired, and this week she looked like the star of the horror film “Wizard of Oz III, The Scarecrow’s Revenge.” This look offers further evidence that Helen is actually ‘undead.’ Watch for her next week to bite the head off of the last remaining chicken.  
 
Brian Heidik
Cocky (literally and figuratively) Brian has assumed his place as Prom King of the Chewies. But, I must give him a Citation this week for his attempted soft porn/rockstar crossover. As he reclined by the fire, singing the self-written lyrics: “The way you feel about me/And I’m seeing you here and there/And at the same time I’m not sure what your deal is/But at the same time I don’t really give a damn,” the audience was left even more nauseated than he was.
 
Quotes of the week:
(About the merge.) “It’s great to welcome everyone to my kingdom.”
(About Shii Ann.) “We’ll see if I can use her as part of my kingdom.”
Diva Points for Ascending to the Throne: 25
Citation for Aural Abuse (Repeat Offence): -25
 
Clay Jordan
Clay continued in his role as ‘comic relief dim witted sidekick’ this week. His fashion citation comes from his ‘Redbeard’ impersonation, caused by his use of red body paint as facial hair dye.
 
Quote of the week:
“That was like goin' to Thanksgiving dinner, somebody just slaps the shit out of grandma, and both families split and start fightin' again.”
Best Quote of Episode Seven: 50
Fashion Citation for Red Overkill: -25
 
Ted Rogers Jr.
Ted had a Diva Moment this week, the first of his career as a S5 ‘contestant.’ Standing on the beach, his baldhead painted metallic gold, with a blazing metallic sun rising on his chest, Ted looked like something out of a Julie Taymor play. Glorious, powerful, hideous, and somehow also… beautiful.
 
Diva Points for Golden Glory: 25
 
Summary
 
With Shii Ann out of the picture, Penny and Erin assume the week seven lead, with +100 Diva Points each. Jake (+75) and Ken (+50) are right behind, and Brian is currently at ‘even money.’ On the other end of the spectrum, Granny Janny (-225 points) is so far behind the pack that she will clearly never recover, (no matter how much of a makeover she is given at the finale!)
 
There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.
 
Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary about S5 from a gay point of view.
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #12 on: Nov 12th, 2002, 1:14am »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
http://www.survivornews.net/article.php?id=136
GSJ Week 8 - The Breast of Thai-mes
 
It was a rainy night in sunny Southern California as I sat down to write my weekly ‘tribute’ to the Survivor ‘contestants.’ This time I was not alone (my flight attendant boyfriend actually had a Thursday night off for once) but the mood was nonetheless a foreboding one.
BY LARRY JOHNSON
Monday, November 11, 2002
 
Still morning the loss of Diva favorite Shii Ann, we said a small prayer that someone would step up to bat… that one of the remaining ragtag bunch of misfits would jump out of the screen and say ‘I’m a Diva! Love me! Care about me!”
 
Alas, it was not to be.
 
Instead, we were treated to by far the dullest and most annoying episode of Survivor to date, with no reward challenge… no merge… a full 20 minutes of crying over who must go next… and, worst of all, the unexplained boot of a heretofore-nonexistent castmember.
 
I should have seen it coming. After all, it seems that in every incarnation of Survivor there is one castaway with a personality that seems to have been castaway as well. If this person was truly that dull and useless, why cast them in the first place?
 
This season’s ‘utter and complete waste of videotape’ was cast for two reasons. The left one and the right one.
 
For those of you who found something… anything… better to do than watch the pageant of misfits and outcasts we lovingly call Survivor Thailand Episode Eight, the immunity challenge involved staying under water as long as possible (everyone dismally failed, especially challenge-challenged-Penny.) The Chewies won yet again (are you sensing a pattern?) and Huge-Breasts-No-Hips-‘Hey-is that an Adam’s Apple?’-Erin was booted with absolutely no warning.
 
This season the honorable distinction ‘Most Useless Survivor’ goes to Erin Collins!
 
Sook Jai Tribe (The Sookies)
 
Jake Billingsley
Jake’s plot to worm his way into the Chewies through Brian was thinly-veiled, but not completely unsuccessful (and he managed to do it with manly dignity!) As he and Brian discussed the Sookie Hotties, Jake sunned in the boat, relaxed, in nothing but his olive shorts (and his cowboy hat for shade.) Is it just me, or is this guy sexy?
 
Quote of the week:
(To Penny’s ‘menage-a-quatre’ suggestion.) “That sounds almost erotic.”
Diva Points for Butch and Sundance Moment: 25
 
Erin Collins
(R.I.P. Stabbed in the back 11/7/02.) Ever the fashion diva, Erin shined this week in her cleavage-accentuating black keyhole neck top. And her chocolate brown bikini bottoms, with beads hanging from the string-ties, were the subject of more than one lingering close-up. It appears that at least one cameraman will miss Erin’s ‘assets’ greatly.
 
“I’m ready for my close-up” Diva Points: 25
 
Penny Ramsey
Penny’s transparent ploys, using her perky charm to befriend the Chewies, were less successful than Jake’s. She may have Jake and Ken in her back pocket, but Ted, Brian and Clay will not be so easily swayed. Still she gets points this week for axing her biggest Diva competition, allowing her to claim the title of ‘last remaining hetero-male eye candy.’ With no competition remaining, I’m forced to give her Diva of the Week for the third straight time.
 
Quote of the Week:
(To her fellow Sookies.) “Maybe the four of us should sleep together tonight.” (Careful, Penny! Ken seemed ready to take you up on that!)
Diva of the Week: 50
 
Ken Stafford
Ken continued in his role as Island Cop, this week offering citations for ‘public urination.’ The pressure is definitely getting to Officer Ken, as is evidenced by his incessant ‘nervous-cheek-biting’ habit. The way he gnaws at that thing, I’m surprised there isn’t a big hole in his face. (Perhaps this behavior goes along with ‘nervous eyebrow-plucking’?)
 
Quote of the Week:
(On Bathroom Patrol.) “It’s the piss cave, very nice. It’s like pissing in your front door. Honey, I’m home, let me take a piss right here.”
Unintentionally Funny Quote of the Week:
(About the ‘bananas.’) “Who wants a really soft one?”
Best Quotes of Week Eight: 50
Chuay Gahn Tribe (The Chewies)
 
Jan Gentry
Perhaps there will be one episode where we do not have to endure one of Sensitive Jan’s crying jags. Episode Eight gave us perhaps the worst one yet. This week, the tribal elder seemed more like the tribal baby, blubbering as Jake choked the life out of ‘Lucky,’ the inappropriately-named chicken.
 
Quote of the Week:
(As she mourned the loss of her sanity.) “I’m burying Lucky’s head and feet in my little pet cemetery.”
Drama Queen Deduction: -25
 
Helen Glover
Looking for unexpected twists? Who would have guessed that cold-militant-bitch Helen would have a softer more ‘Betty-Crockery’ alter-ego? Helen seems to have assumed her ‘proper’ role in the Chewy Patriarchy, remaining barefoot in the kitchen for the entire episode.
 
1950’s Quote of the Week:
“I got a kiss from Clay Jordan, oh my god, I am queen for a day.”
 
Brian Heidik
Brian gets scruffier and more vagrant-like each week. I realize there are some who appreciate his body hair, but I for one find the matted, patchy, gray and brown coat Brian is wearing to be disgusting. To compliment this, he was seen in a filthy red and brown sleeveless tie-dye shirt. (Once Ken and Penny are gone, Brian will be the hottest thing left on the island. Now THAT’S a frightening thought.)
 
Quote of the Week:
(About Shii Ann.) “If they vote off Su Yee… Soon Ja… they’re not thinking.” (Contrary to popular opinion, Brian, all Asian women do not have the same name.)
Fashion Citation for Vagrant Chic: -25
 
Clay Jordan
Clay’s role this week was reduced to sitting in the background, staring insanely, picking his teeth, and making nearly indecipherable comments. I was able, through the use of a hillbilly-to-English translator, to decode the following quote:
 
Quote of the Week:
(In regards to Penny’s feminine whiles.) “Well, I’m 46, she ain’t gettin' sh!t from this one.” (Explain to us then, Clay, why your eyes were glued to Erin’s ass for half the episode.)
 
Ted Rogers Jr.
Ted played fight-provoker this week, questioning Ken about the vote for Shii Ann. While others try to mingle with the other tribe, Ted doesn’t waste time with such pleasantries (particularly not with skinny Penny.) What’s the problem, Ted? Not enough ass to grind?
 
Look of the Week:
After Penny tried to make conversation, then left, Ted’s exasperated eye-roll said it all.
 
Summary
 
Still holding the Week Eight lead is Penny, with 150 points overall, with tribemates Jake and Ken (both at +100) close behind. Still at the back of the pack is Batty Granny Janny at -250 points.
 
There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.
 
Check out Larry's website
http://www.gaycomedyjournals.com/
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #13 on: Nov 20th, 2002, 12:59am »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
Gay Survivor Journal - Week Nine
Haiku Thai-me  
 
 
 
Alas, dear friends, we lost another piece of eye candy this week, as Survivor KenDoll was booted for being a challenge threat; (Despite the fact that he completely sucked at this challenge, and every preceding one.)
 
For those of you who were lucky enough to attend a Thursday night funeral mass instead of watching the repetitive, pointless, predictable, dull (but slickly produced!) claptrap otherwise known as Survivor Thailand Episode Nine, the challenge involved map-reading, and dullest tool in the shed; Clay kicked KenDoll' ass from here to eternity.
 
And, with this boot, I reached a new level of Survivor Apathy, uninspired and unmoved by Thursday's show, and ready to throw in the towel (or buff, as it were.) The rest of this series seems destined to lead to the victory of someone who I could care less about. What is there to live for? My life has been robbed of its meaning.
 
So, to spice things up, this week's article will be written entirely in Haiku form. Enjoy!
 
Chuay Jai Tribe
 
Jake Billingsley
 
Adventurer Jake.
Reveals his desperation.  
No bonus this week.
 
Quote of the week:
(About Jan's cleavage.) "You really got us all turned on."
 
Jan Gentry
 
Jan hides her cleavage.
But can't hide her saggy ass.
Put that thing away!
 
Quote of the week:
"God I hate this cleavage leaking out in front of everybody."
Fashion Citation for Wrinkly White Wedgie: -25
 
Helen Glover
 
Helen the singer;
Sounds like Bjork on Helium.
Clay won't cryHuh (I did.)
 
Quote of the week:
(Helen doing her best Cheerleader Penny impersonation.) "Um... I think I'm gonna... I don't know! I think I'm gonna have to stab my friend Erin in the back and kick her out!"
Citation for Aural Abuse (Repeat Offense): -25
 
Brian Heidik
 
Brian's embarrassed.
His wife's a little crazy
(No duh! She's with him!)
 
Quotes of the week:
(About his ex-softporn-costar wife) "She kept her clothes on, which I was happy about. I didn't want everyone to know more about me than they should."  
(Doing his best KenDoll imitation.) "Uh, Jeff, how's my hair look? You won't believe that when you put on a uniform you get all kinds of bitches!"
Best quotes of week nine: +50
 
Clay Jordan
 
White Trash. Yellow Shirt.
Hideous golden necklace.
Horrible combo.
 
Quote of the week:
(Doing his best Jake imitation.) "Hey, I'm just a good old mountain man that goes out and kills them elk, and falls down them mountains, and wrassles grizzlies, and fights off men with alligators." (Wow, Jake's hillbilly accent sounds vaguely familiar... sort of like... yours!)
Fashion Citation for Gaudy Gold Over-Accessorizing: -25
 
Penny Ramsey
 
Penny in yellow.
Glows like a ray of sunshine.
(Her tits look nice too.)
 
Quote of the week:
(About Erin.) "She's been my sleeping partner for the last 24 days." (Straight men and lesbians everywhere were salivating after that one.)
Diva of the Week: 50
 
Ted Rogers Jr.
 
Teddy the loner.
How did you fill your time
(Did you grind yourself?)
 
Ken Stafford
(Deceased 11/21/02.)
 
Hey! They killed Kenny!
So much for nine-eleven.
(Playgirl, anyone?)
 
The Jury
 
Erin Collins
 
Tight reddish tank-top,
Low-low rise blasted denim,
I'm hot! (And I'm gay!)
 
Summary
 
Still holding the Week Nine lead is Penny, with 200 points overall, with Jake (at +100) close behind. Still at the back of the pack is Batty Granny Janny at -275 points.
 
~ straight from the site ~ http://www.gaycomedyjournals.com/main.htm
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #14 on: Dec 2nd, 2002, 10:02am »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
http://www.survivornews.net/article.php?id=144
 
Gay Survivor Journal Week 10 -- Vacation Thai-me
 
Any hope that Mark Burnett had that this would be the ‘sexiest Survivor series ever’ were officially dashed this week, with the booting of the last remaining hardbody, Diva Penny.
BY LARRY JOHNSON
Monday, November 25, 2002
 
The ragtag six that remain are the oldest final six ever, and inarguably the least sexy stars of a primetime show ever. (Hell, even the geriatric Golden Girls were sexier than this bunch.)
 
The producer’s idea of a hot date this week was hairy-vagrant Brian and hillbilly-hobo Clay perched precariously atop a gassy elephant. Could it get any worse than this?
 
In protest, I refuse to award Diva of the Week until the situation changes. In fact, there will be a Diva strike until all of my conditions are met. Please see the list of requests below:
 
1. Survivor Ted will be replaced with equally sensitive (but much hunkier) Denzel Washington.
2. Survivor Helen will be replaced with an equally militant (but much slinkier) Bebe Neuwirth.
3. Survivor Jan will be replaced with Blythe Danner, who is SIX YEARS OLDER (but much better preserved.)
4. Survivor Clay will be replaced with Matthew McConaughey, who is also Southern, and could probably say some funny things, (though who would care as long as he was half-naked?)
5. Survivor Brian will be waxed from head to toe and have his teeth bleached.
6. Survivor Jake will be kicked off next week anyway, so don’t waste the money on his replacement.
 
Chuay Jai Tribe
 
Jake Billingsley
Jake earned a new moniker this week, ‘Jake the Snake,’ yet he spent the episode being open and telling the truth. Go figure. (If only, like a snake, he could shed the excess skin he has accumulated during his weight loss on the island. Nothing like sagging flesh to kill someone’s sex appeal.)
 
Quote of the week:
“It’s not over ‘till the fat lady sings, but I think I can hear her warming up.” (This quote was followed by ‘fat lady’ Ted making warm-up noises.)
 
Fashion Citation for Flesh in Excess: -25
 
Jan Gentry
Boozehound Granny spent yet another episode as the Koh Tarutao town drunk. This time, the drug of choice was warm Thai beer (with Clay’s backwash) from a canteen. (I guess anything is better than the bootleg corn moonshine she’s accustomed to at home.) So far, ‘Inebriated Babbling’ or ‘Pointless Crying’ (or both) has characterized her dialogue in every episode this season. Go Granny, Go!
 
Quotes of the week:
“And then the other canteen had beer, and I did share it, but I didn’t want to.”
“Oh my god, I need a nipple on top of this!”
 
Helen Glover
Helen regressed to childhood this week yet again. Last week, she was in tears, jumping up and down, clapping and shrieking like a 12 year old, at the sight of her cat. (Notice the comparatively timid response she had to her husband and daughter.) This week, the same behavior occurred as she won the Immunity Challenge. As she squealed and applauded, she looked not unlike an eighth grader at a Justin Timberlake ‘concert.’ Helen has apparently never won anything in her life. Imagine that.
 
Brian Heidik
I saw ‘Die Another Day’ this week, and was disturbed by the sequence where Bond was imprisoned for 16 months. As the camera panned over Bond’s emaciated body, lingering nauseatingly on his hairy matted chest hair and beard, all I could think of was… Brian. Except Brian looks even worse. (Nonetheless, Brian played king yet again this week, and everyone seemed to have no problem going along with it.)
 
Quote of the Week:
“They all went out in the water waiting for us, like lost sheep longing for their masters.”
Fashion Citation for Concentration Camp Chic: -25
 
Clay Jordan
It’s fortunate that Clay is funny, because otherwise this irritating, cocky, lazy, ignorant, arrogant, misogynistic hillbilly would get on my nerves. (Somehow, it seemed justified that Clay had to endure the flatulent elephant. Bravo Mark Burnett!)
 
Quote of the Week:
(About Clay.) “Your mouth has definitely overloaded your butt.”
(About Brian.) “I got a hot looking date, don’t I? He’s got a fine ass. I’ve seen it too.” (Has Clay seen ‘Virgins of Sherwood Forest’?)
Best Quotes of Week Ten: 50
 
Penny Ramsey
(Deceased 11/21/02.) Perhaps in an effort to accentuate her ‘deceiving Southern Belle charm,’ Penny reverted to her Cheerleader pigtails this week. And though I hated them previously, I do have to say they are more flattering than her French braids. Further signs that Penny was attempting America’s Sweetheart V5 status:
 
Quotes of the week:
(To Ted, as he snuffed her torch.) “Thanks Big Daddy.”
(About Clay’s ‘honesty’.) “We pinky swore on it.”
 
Ted Rogers Jr.
Ted gave us another uncomfortable man-on-man moment this week, kissing Clay, slapping his ass, and saying “that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout, y’all, that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout.” And all of this manhandling for a canteen full of leftovers. Imagine what he would have done for a fresh cream Danish? Just the though makes me consider heterosexuality.
 
Simpering Quote of the Week:
(After Jake tried to explain why Ted got three votes.) “You guys did a great job of coordinating your votes.” (Really, Ted, are you expecting them to just vote for themselves until they are all gone?)
 
The Jury
 
Erin Collins
This week, Jury Foreperson Erin was seen in a tight black tank, khaki short-shorts, and thick white wedgie sandals. It was a bit casual for my taste, but certainly not unflattering or unfashionable. (Sadly, not up to par with last weeks sizzling ensemble.)
 
Ken Stafford
NYPD’s finest made his jury debut in a tight black T-Shirt, and slim black jeans. His newly washed hair looked wet-look-fabulous, and his newly shorn face was refreshed and bright. If I could award Diva Points to the deceased, Ken would have won Diva of the Week this Week. (Sorry, Ken, too little too late.)
 
Summary
With Penny out of the way, Jake (at +75) has taken the lead. But don’t expect it to last. Still at the back of the pack is Batty Granny Janny at -275 points.
 
There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.
 
Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary about S5 from a gay point of view. Please check out his new website, http://www.gaycomedyjournals.com
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #15 on: Dec 13th, 2002, 8:53am »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
http://www.survivornews.net/article.php?id=147
 
Gay Survivor Journal Week 11: Family Thais
 
Fashionably late, Larry Johnson on Episode 11 of Survivor: Thailand.
BY LARRY JOHSON
Thursday, December 12, 2002
 
I have received numerous complaints, criticisms, disses, and even death threats (okay, I made that part up for sympathy) because this week’s column is so late. The truth is, my gorgeous young boyfriend’s high-maintenance older brother was in town, and I was quite honestly in hell. You see, his also-gay brother has a little crush on me (can you blame him?) and this causes much friction and discord, as you may expect. Thankfully, my BF got all the cute genes in his family, so I was not tempted to stray. Nonetheless, I have been busy putting out fires between these two bitches all week, and had no time for my all-important column. (Besides, you people who live for my damn column need to get a life! Put some clothes on, walk to the bus stop, and go somewhere!)
 
Coincidentally, this was also the week of the ‘family visit’ that Survivor has each season. I said a small thank you prayer this week to the Survivor gods, for giving me something to write about this week (instead of the Dullest Survivor Finalists Ever.) In a tradition that began… well… last season… I will focus this week’s column not on the Survivors, but instead on their ‘Loved Ones.’ Yippee.
 
For those of you who may have missed this weeks hour of nutrient-free filler otherwise known as Survivor Thailand Episode Eleven, the challenge involved yet another puzzle, which Ted and his brother Alwan managed to solve, despite the fact that completely-safe-Ted needed Immunity about as much as even-safer-Helen did last week. (If they tried, they probably couldn’t have made it less exciting.) Jake, of course, was unanimously voted off (if he could have voted for himself, he probably would have) thus ending the dullest and most predictable losing streak in Survivor History.
 
This thing has no where to go but up!
 
Chuay Jai Tribe
 
Jake Billingsley
(Deceased 12/5/02) Jake’s wife Linda earns Diva Points this week, for her cute-as-a-button (but still age-and-body-type-appropriate) attire. First seen in a mint green v-neck top and white rolled-up jean shorts, then later in a baby blue T-shirt and blue denim short-shorts, she was absolutely adorable! The topper to these perky outfits was her equally-pert grey-blonde bob. You go, girl!
 
Linda’s Quote of the Week:
“You’re not gonna ask us to eat that, are you?”
Jake’s Unintentionally Dirty Quote of the Week:
“You gotta swallow it, Jenny baby!”
Jake’s Bonus Quote of the Week:
(About Jan and Helen, who were excited that the challenge involved food.) “The girls came sprinting up here. Now, these are people who can hardly walk, and they sprinted.”
 
Diva Points for Sexy Sexagenarian: 25
 
Jan Gentry
Jan’s son Jef (with one ‘f’, oddly enough) proved his heterosexuality in two ill-fitting and dull-as-toast outfits. He was first seen in a baggy gray polo and khaki pants, then later in a blue checked shirt (with the same pants.) Both outfits were topped by a white cap, worn backward, in a style which went out approximately ten years ago.
 
Jan’s Horny Quote of the Week:
|About Helen and Jim’s ‘conjugal visit.’) “We gave them the Honeymoon Suite for the evening, and tried to listen, but we couldn’t hear anything.”
 
Fashion Citation for Dull Fashion Conservatism: -25
 
Helen Glover
It was fitting that Helen’s husband Jim won the ‘conjugal visit challenge’, as he was the ‘loved-one’ who most matched the Survivor’s current vagrant-like appearance. In fact, if one had just tuned in this week, one might confuse Jim for one of the other image-challenged finalists. With his scraggly beard, ponytail, and wrinkly black T-shirt, he was a true fashion citation waiting to happen. But then, when he took his shirt off, his Buddha-belly proved that he clearly hadn’t been starving himself for the last 30-some days. (Helen, by contrast, has waved goodbye completely to the love handles I commented on in week one.)
 
Jim’s Quotes of the Week:
(Sarcastic.) “This is lovely. I guess the loser gets two nights out here?”
(In confessional.) “I’m surprised at how proud they are of what they’ve done.”
(Trying to answer Clay’s question about Helen, but confused by his hillbilly brogue.) “Does she… what do you… what?”
 
Fashion Citation for Impersonating a Survivor: -25
Best Quotes of Week Eleven: 50
 
Brian Heidik
Brian’s wife CC wins Diva of the Week this week, for both Image and Attitude. Her former-softpornstar look was flawlessly sexy, first in a blue bikini top (that accentuated her almost-real-looking breasts) and black surfer-boy shorts (which the cameraman clearly loved) then later in an even cuter floral bikini top and tan short-shorts. (And her Polynesian skin, and thick brown hair, made her seem quite at home in the island paradise.) Her Diva-tude clinched the award this week, though, as she refused to eat bugs with the following quotable quote:
 
CC’s quote of the week:
(To Jeff Probst.) “Dude, I’m out! No! Brian kills these for me.”
Diva of the Week: 50
 
Clay Jordan
Last season, when Pappy’s wife came to visit, she received Diva of the Week in a cute-but-classy black ensemble. Clay’s wife, Linda, attempts this look, with mixed results. While I can’t fault her always-in-style black v-neck top and shorts, her dyed-black hair was just a bit too Morticia-fake for my tastes. (Note to Linda: Time for a new hairdresser, girl, this one does not know color!) Later, in her yellow top and blue/yellow floral shorts, she looked like a tacky American tourist arriving in Honolulu. Sorry, Linda, but you earned yourself a double-citation!
 
Fashion Citation for Deadly Dye: -25
Fashion Citation for Tourist Chic: -25
 
Ted Rogers Jr.
Ted’s brother Alwan earns no points from this critic. His attire, which included a navy T-shirt, khaki pants, and a safari hat, then later a gray tank top and olive pants, was unremarkable. The citation comes, though, for his oddly (and grotesquely) long, skinny, braided goatee. Why is it that bald men always feel the need to cultivate unusual facial hair?
 
Fashion Citation for God-awful Goatee: -25
 
The Jury
 
Erin Collins
This week, Erin was seen in a tight black tank, and comfy-casual black slacks. Another winner from the buxom Foreperson!
 
Penny Ramsey
Penny cleaned up quite nicely this week, in a pretty blue shirt-dress that was almost as sleek as her stunningly clean blonde hair. (And she appears to have found time to shape her eyebrows beautifully.) It’s amazing what three days of rest and pampering can do for you!
 
Ken Stafford
Ken was handsome yet again in a black T-shirt and khakis. His once-sunken cheeks have already rounded back out nicely, as well.
 
Summary
 
With Jake out of the way, our new Diva Leader is Brian, with +50 points! (Thanks, CC!) On the other end of the spectrum, Granny’s insurmountable lead of -300 points is sure to be a record, most fashion-challenged Survivor ever! (Thanks, Mark Burnett!)
 
There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.
 
Previous Gay Survivor Journals
 
 
Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary about S5 from a gay point of view. Please check out his new website, http://www.gaycomedyjournals.com
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #16 on: Dec 15th, 2002, 7:08pm »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
http://www.survivornews.net/article.php?id=149
 
Gay Survivor Journal Week 12 -- The Sands of Thai-me
 
As it turns out, my prediction that things would get better this week failed to come true.
BY LARRY JOHNSON
Sunday, December 15, 2002
 
We march forward to an inevitable conclusion which will involve someone I hate beating someone else who I hate in a dreadfully dull final two from hell. Under protest, I am writing this column anyway, so as not to disappoint my many rabid fans. But I cannot do so without a carefully worded complaint:
 
Mark Burnett, you are a fuckhead.
 
Now that I have that off my chest…
 
For those of you who gave up weeks ago on this trash, and rely on my column to keep you updated, this week’s wasted-44-minutes-of-VHS-tape included a puzzle-solving challenge (which Brian really won, but Ted managed to steal from him) and a stair building challenge (which Brian won in a cakewalk.) The subsequent booting of ‘Hey!-I-thought-I-was-in-Brian’s-alliance!’ Ted was as anti-climactic as an hour of softporn.
 
Chuay Jai Tribe (AKA The Chuay Gahn Final Five)
 
Jan Gentry
As much as I love to make fun of Batty Granny Janny, I must admit she is fast becoming my favorite remaining castaway (which honestly isn’t saying much.) There hasn’t been a character who was this unapologetically alcoholic on prime time TV since the Abfab girls (who I dearly miss.) I must admit, Granny, if I was trapped on an island with these losers, I’d drink like a fish too! Her best moment this week was when she put the wine bottle down her top, commenting: “and it fits perfectly!” Gotta love that! Go, Granny, Go!
 
Understatement of the Week:
“I had some bosoms… and now I look kinda like a stick figure.”
Insult of the Week:
(To the mirror-hogging boys.) “Excuse me, pretty girls?”
Diva Points for Inebriation (for Medicinal Purposes): 25
 
Helen Glover
Even a cynic like myself has to admit that Helen’s figure has made a drastic improvement since week one. (And I must also admire that she herself realizes there is still more work to be done.) And the sight of Helen, fresh from her shower, with her sleek black hair (though I can’t ignore the inch-long gray roots) in her purple silk pajamas (with gold accents, no less) earns her Diva of the Week for the first time. (Admittedly, the competition was not stiff.)
 
Reality Check of the Week:
“I think I still look fat. One look was enough for me, I’m like, uh… yeah, I still look fat, and uh… great, I’ve got lines on my face, okay, I’m done.”
 
Diva of the Week: 50
 
Brian Heidik
Brian saw himself in the mirror this week, and realized with a jolt that his porno days are over. (I know the feeling, Brian, I’ve been there.) I must admire his leanness, though. Unfortunately, those formerly-tight black gay bondage shorts he wears are now so baggy that he looks like he is carrying a load. (Note to future contestants: Pack your fat clothes and your skinny clothes.)
 
Overextended Metaphor of the Week:
“What skills come into play at this part of the game? Skating skills. Who’s the best skater. Ice skater. Cause usually in skating you gotta be ice cold. You can’t lose your cool. You gotta be like ice. Mr. Freeze is in the house. I’ve got my skates on.” (I’m afraid Brian may be going the way of Batty Janny.)
Understatement of the Week, Take Two:
“My damn teeth are yellow!”
 
Fashion Citation for Saggy and Faggy and altogether Haggy: -25
 
Clay Jordan
God I hate this weaselly little hilbilly! Poor thing didn’t win the challenge. Boo frickin hoo. I can only say: how long does it take to unscramble an eight-letter puzzle! Jeez! If Shii Ann were there, she could have solved it blindfolded, with half of her brain tied behind her back!
 
Understatement of the Week, Part Three:
“Can you believe this? Look at this! I’m a nothing!” Apparently, Clay is just now realizing he is a zero on a scale of one to ten. I’ve been saying it since week one.
Bad Acting of the Week:
(After Ted won the Chevy.) “Way to go, Ted.”
Fashion Citation for Sore Looserism: -25
 
Ted Rogers Jr.
(Deceased 12/12/02) Ted receives a Fashion Citation this week for a rather unfortunate incident involving a masseuse, purple silk pajamas, and Ted’s huge jiggly butt. Sorry, Ted, you may have lost 60 pounds, but in terms of your posterior, there is still more work to be done.
 
Quote of the Week:
(To Clay, who is staring in the mirror.) “Don’t look at it too much, we don’t want it to break.” Overextended Metaphor of the Week, Take Two:
(About his shrinking physique.) “This is a lineman? This is like a tight end, a wide receiver. The guns are gone. These guns right here were cannons. I got like 9-millimeters now.”
Unintentional Softporn Quote of the Week:
(In the shower.) “Oh yeah, boy! Yeah, dog! Oh my gosh! Oooooh!”
Bonus Quote of the Week:
(Slurring his words.) “My body is drunk, but my mind is clear. When your mind is moosh, that’s when you’re drunk.”
Best Quotes of Week Twelve: 50
Excessive Junk in the Trunk (while Drunk): -25
 
The Jury (AKA The Sook Jai Final Four)
 
Jake Billingsley
Jake proved that sixty can still be sexy, in a hunky sleeveless chambray shirt and khaki safari shorts. I can only hope to look that good when I’m sixty. (Or to die first.)
 
Erin Collins
Girl looked fierce yet again in a tight baby blue tank top (she must have one in every color!) blasted jeans, and cute boots. (If this is even possible, her breasts looked bigger than ever.)
 
Penny Ramsey
Penny looked Diva-gorgeous this week, in a black ruffled spaghetti-strap crop top, light blue jeans, and boots. Man, this girl cleans up good.
 
Ken Stafford
NYPD’s finest was hot as ever in an unassuming olive T-Shirt, and relaxed fit blue jeans.
 
Summary
 
Our current Diva Leader is Brian, with an unimpressive +25 points! On the other end of the spectrum, Granny actually started chipping away at her deficit, but is still in the back of the pack with -275.
 
There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.
 
Previous Gay Survivor Journals
 
 
Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary about S5 from a gay point of view. Please check out his new website, http://www.gaycomedyjournals.com
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #17 on: Feb 10th, 2003, 11:32am »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
http://www.survivornews.net/article.php?id=156
 
Gay Survivor Journal The Finale: All Thaied Out
 
Perhaps some of you may be wondering why this column is a little late. Okay, a lot late. Okay, six weeks late. Well, the truth is, reality television has more of a hold on me than I may admit.
BY LARRY JOHNSON
Friday, February 7, 2003
 
After viewing the Survivor Five finale (worst show ever!) and the subsequent Reunion Show (second worst show ever!) I was left staring at my television, motionless, unable to speak… paralyzed by the mind-numbing dullness and predictability of the entire ordeal. Neighbors found me several days later, dehydrated, dazed and emaciated (which is actually a good look for me).
 
When I came out of my near-coma, I began to question my value systems… my faith in mankind… and my heretofore-tenuous sanity. After a downward spiral into drinking, debauchery, and full-frontal nudity, I awoke from my vodka-induced haze to realize it was February.
 
Through it all, my very young and very cute boyfriend stayed by my side, supporting me, but clueless that there was even a problem. (He’s pretty, but he’s not all that bright.)
 
Now, I am on the road to recovery (and feeling very Mariah Careyish). I could not have done it without my many fans. You wrote to me, worried for my health. You wrote to me, concerned for my safety in this cruel world. You wrote to me, pissed off that I dropped off the face of the earth without warning having left my duties unfulfilled. One of you compared me to a boyfriend who ‘borrows’ $2000 from you and dumps you without so much as a goodbye fuck. (That one hurt.)
 
So, just in time for a new Survivor to begin, I have decided to correct the sins of my past, and provide a posthumous wrap-up of S5. Enjoy! (If that is humanly possible, given the subject matter.)
 
For those of you who may have wiped the event from your brain with the toilet tissue I like to call ‘selective memory,’ the finale episode began with Helen, Brian, Clay and Jan still hanging on for dear life. After two dull challenges (not worth the time to describe here) and two easy victories by Brian, we were left with Brian and Clay in a lesser-of-two-dullards election. Brian, of course, took the prize. (The giant sucking sound that immediately followed was the deafeningly abrupt end of his fifteen-minutes-of-fame.)
 
The slapdash low-budget-version of the reunion followed, Survivor Africa style, with a ‘seamless’ (cough, cough) transition from taped to live. (This meant no costume changes for any of our leads… how dull for me!)
 
But you don’t come to me for recaps, do you! Let the dissing begin!
 
Chauy Jai Tribe
 
Brian Heidek - ‘Winner’ (Though California law forces him to share it 50/50 with CC.)
Brain won’t earn diva points from me this week, as his disheveled-hairy-vagrant look got worse with each passing day. And while I may have praised his black sleeveless T and khaki drawstring pants in the past, by day 36 they were so worn and filthy that I wanted to take a shower just from looking at them. Forced to keep his hair long and his beard full, Brian looked very 70’s, and slightly sleeker at the reunion (and noticeably free of body hair… I would have liked to see that waxing bill!)
 
Schizophrenic Quote of the Week:
(To himself, in the mirror.) “Excellent job sir!” (Patting himself on the back.) “Thank you.”
Fashion Citation for Vagrant Chic: -25
Overall 13-week score: ZERO
 
Clay Jordan - Big Fat Loser
Never one of my favorites on the show, Clay earns the distinction of being one of the few Survivors who actually looked substantially worse in the reunion show than he did while on the island. (I didn’t think it was possible!) Clay was, of course, forced to wear the same dingy-lemon-yellow T-shirt and floppy olive fishing hat. (Damn that Mark Burnett!) Then, when he felt compelled to remove the hat, a clump of his thinning hair jutted upward like Alfalfa. Adding insult to injury, Clay had gained back all his pre-show weight (and about 35 bonus pounds for good measure) and so in addition to being wrinkled, saggy, and shabbily dressed, now he was also fat. In fact, so fat that I had trouble understanding a word he said because his normally-barely-decipherable voice was rendered completely inaudible among the rustle of his many chins.
 
Quote of the Week:
(As he was teased about his efforts to make Ghandia’s float.) “I’m being nice. No one else would do it.”
Fashion Citation for Excessive Weight Regain: -25
Overall 13-week Score: -125
Jan Gentry - Third Place (Better than she - or anyone else on the planet - expected.)
 
With absolutely no competition remaining, I am forced to give Diva of the Week this week to Jan. (As you know, Diva of the Week can only go to a contestant who is still ‘alive’ in the game, so Helen’s extreme-jury-makeover, though notable, can’t earn her points this week.) In her royal blue chambray shirt and khaki trousers, she was both age-appropriate and stylish. My question is: Where did she hide these clothes up until now? They looked surprisingly clean and wrinkle-free. Did she win a trip to the Laundromat some unseen challenge? As a jury member (then again at the reunion) Jan wore slim khaki pants and a silky black sleeveless blouse, completing her shockingly-good fashion week!
 
Quotes of the Week:
(As they were confronted with making Helen’s float just minutes after booting her off.) “Oh shit, that’s awful.”
(At the reunion.) “I really felt like I was a functioning robot.” (Really Jan? You were functioning? Did I miss that part?)
Diva of the Week: 50
Overall 13-week score: -225
 
Helen Glover - Fourth Place (making good on her husband’s proclamation that ‘she won’t come in third.’)
Helen pulls into the Kathy role of most-improved Survivor. Her transformation began as a jury member, first in a tiny black dress with white trim (which was very flattering to her newly-svelte figure) and then later in an even-more-tiny-and-strappy pink and white floral dress. She had to reprise this dress for the reunion, but she did manage to freshen her look, with a new bob cut and color (hiding her formerly-ubiquitous gray widow’s peak.) You go, girl!
 
Understatement of the Week:
(About the challenge, though it could refer to her performance in the entire show.) “I hate to lose and I hate to look like a fool doing it.”
Quote of the Week:
(To Brian.) “You are the epitome of the trashy used-car salesman.”
Bonus Quote of the Week:
(In her ‘final words.’) “The three of you that are left, break a leg… and I mean it.”
Best Makeover: Ineligible for Points
Best Quotes of Week 13: 50
Overall 13-week Score: ZERO
 
The Jury
 
Ted Rogers Jr.
Ted looked slim and manicured as a jury member, first in khaki shorts and a ribbed khaki shirt, then in a slimming black v-neck, and finally in an olive leaf pattern silk shirt and matching cargo shorts. Based on his appearance at the reunion, he appears to have kept the weight off, too!
 
Quotes of the Week:
(About Clay.) “You’re nothing more than an ignorant southern redneck hillbilly.”
(About Brian.) “You sold me your friendship, you sold me your understanding of cultural diversity, and most of all you sold me your word, all to find out that each of those qualities were lemons.”
Overall 13-week Score: -50
 
Jake Billingsley
Jake graced the jury unexcitingly in a range of outfits including olive cargo pants with a short-sleeved silk shirt, black pants with a pale gray sleeveless T, and a khaki bamboo-patterned silk shirt with olive zip-leg pants.
 
Overall 13-week Score: 50
 
Penny Ramsey
Penny was ever the Jury Diva in colorful outfits including a gold side-tie sarong, jeans with a pink cutout blouse, and finally a very-fashionable little black dress (which showed plenty of cleavage.)
 
Overall 13-week Score: 200
 
Ken Stafford
Ken was unmemorable in risk-free attire including a black T and jeans, a royal blue T and khakis, and a black long-sleeved shirt with casual olive pants. (With a long lean body that would look good in absolutely anything, why make such dull choices, Ken?)
 
Quote of the Week:
(About Shii-Ann’s demise after the non-merge.) “I know you ain’t got nothin’ to do, but you ain’t doin it here.”
Overall 13-week Score: 100
 
Erin Collins
Erin rivaled Penny in the Diva department, in breast-accentuating attire which included a monochrome cream silk skirt and tank, a tan Thai-flavored blouse and matching short skirt, and finally a black cropped tank and tropical sarong skirt.
 
Overall 13-week Score: 100
 
Pre-Jury Reunion Losers
 
Shii Ann Huang
Girl looked fierce as ever (and very Sex in the City) in a tight black dress, with a hot pink floral blouse, and big pink flower pin. Her hair and makeup were also flawless.
 
Quote of the Week:
(When asked about the non-merge and ‘how many seconds before you knew you were dead?’) “About point-two.”
Overall 13-week Score: 225
 
Robb Zbacnik
Living up to his ‘tool’ reputation, Robb was a complete flop in his rocker jacket, clockwork orange T-shirt, and lame mock-mohawk (complete with orange center streaks.) Dude, this look sucks!
 
Understatement of the Week:
“I’m kind of a jerk sometimes.”
Overall 13-week Score: -25
 
Ghandia Johnson
Girlfriend was frightening as ever, in an electric blue Geisha Girl blouse and matching (?) lemon-yellow silk pants. The chopsticks in her nappy bleached-orange hair made the look even more nauseatingly kitchy (and culturally offensive.)
 
Overall 13-week Score: -50
 
Jed Hildebrand
Survivor Hottie Jed didn’t let me down, in a fashionable brown suede coat and white T. Too bad he only had about one second of screen time (though his charisma-free personality may be to blame for that.)
 
Overall 13-week Score: 25
 
Stephanie Dill
Stephanie looked completely different than her island persona in a low-cut chocolate brown top, jeans, and a tan suede fringed jacket. Her sleek hair and smoky eyes were stunning!
 
Overall 13-week Score: ZERO
 
Tanya Vance
Tanya was cute as ever, in a jade green necklace and cream crepe blouse. Her sleek hair and smoky eyes were not unlike Stephanie’s, but I’m not complaining. (Too bad though, that her non-waterproof mascara was ruined by Jeff’s insensitive personal questions.)
 
Overall 13-week Score: 75
 
John Raymond
Pastor John was bland as ever in a charcoal gray jacket and gray T. Note to John: Fashion isn’t a sin!
 
Overall 13-week Score: -25
 
SUMMARY
 
Most in Need of an Attitude Adjustment: Robb Zbacnik
Best Quotes of the Season: Shii Ann Huang
Fashion Victim of the Season: Jan Gentry
Runner-up Diva of the Season: Penny Ramsey
And…
Diva of the Season: Shii Ann Huang with an impressive 225 Diva Points!
 
Thank you all for reading my column this season, and against my better judgment, I’ll be back for Survivor 6!
 
There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.
 
 
Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary about S5 from a gay point of view. Please check out his new website www.gaycomedyjournals.com.
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Re: Survivornews Interviews Tammy Leitner _ Great
« Reply #19 on: Jul 25th, 2018, 7:23pm »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
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Re: Jerri Manthey Survives The Surreal Life
« Reply #20 on: Aug 31st, 2018, 3:09am »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
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Re: The Hypocritical Winner: Vecepia Towery
« Reply #21 on: Sep 3rd, 2018, 12:07am »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #23 on: Oct 4th, 2018, 4:17am »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
2018-10-4 xiaozhengzheng
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #24 on: Oct 24th, 2018, 12:55am »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
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