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Metropolis Reality Forums « Parenting and Communications Skills »

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Addams
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Parenting and Communications Skills
« on: Jun 21st, 2002, 10:47pm »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
Warning:  long rambling post ahead about communication skills, a personal struggle for me.  
 
As a parent I learned something from one of my daughter's day care teachers that has stuck with me for nearly 4 years.  Before my daughter could even walk or speak a word, the day care provider would encourage her to "use her words" to express herself and then take then next step which I believe to be key.  She would then follow up with the words to be used.  
 
Just to say "use your words" or "be better" or "behave" simply does not communicate enough information.  It is not a matter of telling someone what to do in an authoritarian way.  Instead it is realizing that sometimes the person simply will not know how to do whatever it is you are asking of them.   At first when she told my 10 month old to "use your words" I nearly laughed, it seemed so preposterous.  However my 13 month old suddenly had 20+ words that she was using to express herself and her needs.  
 
I have tried to remember this when I am parenting.  
 
A similar event as an adult made me realize that even as adults we need to guide each other from time to time.  This was reinforced when I was in a very difficult personal time which required legal counselling.  I had to communicate with an adversary in a very difficult employment situation and I simply could not manage the most simple of actions it seemed.  Finally the lawyer told me "say this" when a certain event occurred.  This took away all the stress.  It seemed simple but sometimes we just don't have all the information or the experience to know what to do in particular circumstances.
 
I am always looking for ideas about parenting and communication skills.  As a child who was raised by the edict "children are to be seen and not heard" (yes they even said that!) communication has been a life long challenge for me.  My mother too has had great difficulty communicating in a calm manner.  
 
Here's a site that has some suggestions http://www.canadianparents.com/articles/feature40f.htm
 
also Oprah.com has some suggestions on ways to bond with your children. http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/tows_2002/tows_past_20020620.jhtml
 
If anyone has other individuals, books or sites that they recommend I would be delighted to learn of them.  Sometimes it seems like alot of mumbo jumbo pscyhology.  I am really looking for practical and effective actions that we can take to be better communicators in our lives. (shorter posts probably is a good start Wink )
« Last Edit: Jun 22nd, 2002, 6:53am by Addams » IP Logged
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Gabby
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Re: Parenting and Communications Skills
« Reply #1 on: Jun 22nd, 2002, 6:05am »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
129 and I took a great class two summers ago (Strategies for Teaching Acceptance of Responsibility) and one of the books was called "Teacher Talk."  It was awesome.  It broke down common "teacherisms" into what you say/mean and what is heard and then suggested better ways to say them.
 
(I'll go get it later and post some of my favorites -- but it's in my bedroom and MrGabby is slumbering peacefully)
 
There is a companion book, "Parent Talk" and one of the authors is Chick Moorman.  I'll see if I can track that one down, too.
 
One thing I use all the time with T&C is the idea that they are have the power to choose.  For example, "If you choose not to eat your dinner, then you're choosing not to have dessert."  Gives them the power and avoids the negative "No dessert if you don't eat your dinner."  (In school, it usually goes like this: "If you choose not to complete your assignment, then you're choosing to earn a zero." Wink )
 
Once they're used to the choose/choose sentence then when they misbehave all I say is "Please make a different choice."  In school I'll often say, "Please make a quiet choice" when they're getting out of hand during work time.  Most of the time, they "choose" to get back to work! Smiley
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Addams
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Re: Parenting and Communications Skills
« Reply #2 on: Jun 22nd, 2002, 6:51am »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
on Jun 22nd, 2002, 6:05am, Gabby wrote:
129 and I took a great class two summers ago (Strategies for Teaching Acceptance of Responsibility) and one of the books was called "Teacher Talk."  ...  There is a companion book, "Parent Talk" and one of the authors is Chick Moorman.  ...
One thing I use all the time with T&C is the idea that they are have the power to choose.  For example, "If you choose not to eat your dinner, then you're choosing not to have dessert."  Gives them the power and avoids the negative "No dessert if you don't eat your dinner."  (In school, it usually goes like this: "If you choose not to complete your assignment, then you're choosing to earn a zero." Wink )
 
Once they're used to the choose/choose sentence then when they misbehave all I say is "Please make a different choice."  In school I'll often say, "Please make a quiet choice" when they're getting out of hand during work time.  Most of the time, they "choose" to get back to work! Smiley
Gabby thanks for this incredible post.  You are a source of so much wonderful information.  I also set up the choose/choose scenarios but I don't go the next step.  Thanks for giving me the "words" to use at the misbehave step.  
 
I found myself so unprepared and unable to cope last Thursday during a serious misbehaving time in public.  I try to prepare Wednesday for public events and guide her in the appropriate behaviours I am seeking before we leave the house. But asking them to make a particular choice is great.  It does totally avoid the negative.  Can't wait to hear more (after Mr. Gabby wakes up of course Wink  )
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Gabby
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Re: Parenting and Communications Skills
« Reply #3 on: Jun 22nd, 2002, 7:22am »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
MrGabby is STILL sleeping (He's emotionally spent and I completely understand his need to cocoon for a couple of days)...
 
Here's a link to the Parent Talk book.  The "Spirit Whisperer" page is really neat, too.
 
http://www.chickmoorman.com/books.html
 
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LibertyBelle
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Re: Parenting and Communications Skills
« Reply #4 on: Jun 22nd, 2002, 9:12am »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
I read something somewhere when my kids were small that has stuck in my head all these years. It was called "Do you speak Childreneese". The main point it made was that kids are much more literal than we are and it's important to be really specific.  
 
One example it gave was a child who's mom was ill. Neighbors came in to help out while the mom rested behind a closed bedroom door. The child asked where her mom was and the neighbor replied "lying down". The child kept asking the same question and kept getting variations of the same answer - "resting" etc. Finally the child "acted out", demanding to know where her mom was.  
 
The point was that "lying down" or "resting" isn't a location, it's an activity. To a child a person can do those things anywhere.  
 
Addams, the words "behave" brought back a long ago memory. I was always being told to be-have and once got into trouble when I asked who "Haive" was. I didn't know what the word meant, it sounded like two words to me. That's one of my earliest memories, learning a word the hard way... 'cause naturally everyone assumed I was "sassin' " LOL.
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Addams
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Re: Parenting and Communications Skills
« Reply #5 on: Jun 22nd, 2002, 9:22am »		 Quote Quote Modify Modify
on Jun 22nd, 2002, 9:12am, LibertyBelle wrote:
...the word(s) "behave" brought back a long ago memory. I was always being told to be-have and once got into trouble when I asked who "Haive" was. I didn't know what the word meant, it sounded like two words to me. That's one of my earliest memories, learning a word the hard way... 'cause naturally everyone assumed I was "sassin' " LOL.
Our ncog sassin?  never Wink  I know what you mean.  I used to sing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer as a child and for a long time I thought the last two words of the song were his story.  I didn't realize it was the word history.  Speaking childrenese is important.  So hard not impose our adult values and priorities.
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