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Metropolis Reality Forums Ť Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Dogs ť

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   Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Dogs

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Topic: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Dogs (Read 2536 times)

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Golf
« Reply #45 on: Apr 22^nd, 2005, 10:05am »

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Golfing with an older man
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Golf
« Reply #46 on: Apr 22^nd, 2005, 10:52am »

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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Cats
« Reply #47 on: Apr 25^th, 2005, 8:14am »

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Baking Cookies With Your Cat
1. Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
2. Get cup of coffee.
3. Get cat off of cookbook.
4. Find that special recipe.
5. Get cat's nose out of coffee mug.
6. Go to fridge and get eggs.
7. Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
8. Break eggs in small bowl.
9. Sift dry ingredients in large bowl.
10. Answer the phone.
11. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge.
12. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off.
13. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands.
14. Throw flour out and get more.
15. Preheat oven for cookies.
16. Looking at cat & wanting to bake cat now. Cat runs for cover into bathroom.
17. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough.
18. Big crash in bathroom; run to see what happened.
19. Cat has toilet paper all over floor; stuff spilled and knocked over on top of bathroom counter.
20. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl.
21. You can sense cat is angry.
22. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off.
23. Get bandages to cover more scratches on arms and legs.
24. Cleanup bathroom.
25. Hear a thump in kitchen ... Oh Gosh ... now what?
26. Get cat off floured counter in kitchen.
27. Try to pick out cat hairs from flour.
28. Step on cat's tail and get bitten.
29. Get coat, car keys, and go to store to buy cookies.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Cats
« Reply #48 on: Apr 25^th, 2005, 8:15am »

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How to Give your Cat a Pill
1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.
2. With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
4. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Drop pill into mouth.
5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.
6. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.
16. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.
17. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).
18. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.
19. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.
20. Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Cats
« Reply #49 on: Apr 25^th, 2005, 8:15am »

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Signs that your cat has you email password

E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

Your web browser has a new home page <http://www.feline.com>.

Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.

Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."

Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

« Last Edit: Apr 25^th, 2005, 8:17am by Insane 4 Survivor »

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Cats
« Reply #50 on: Apr 25^th, 2005, 8:16am »

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THINGS YOU CAN LEARN FROM YOUR CAT

Make the world your playground.

Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging
a sock over it helps.

If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard
until you do.

When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you
just to shut you up.

Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.

Nap often.

When in trouble, just purr and look cute.

Life is hard, and then you nap.

Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few
hours.

When in doubt, cop an attitude.

Variety is the spice of Life. One day, ignore people;
the next day, annoy them.

Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains
are there.

Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each
corner.

Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the
bed tells them, "I care."

When you have something important to say, try to say
it in the dead of night when you're SURE everyone's
sleeping. There's no better way to get the attention
you deserve.

« Last Edit: Apr 25^th, 2005, 8:16am by Insane 4 Survivor »

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

lakelady
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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Cats
« Reply #51 on: Apr 25^th, 2005, 9:15am »

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Love all the cat ones. Cool

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Cats
« Reply #52 on: Apr 25^th, 2005, 9:30am »

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I kinda figured that you would LL! Grin

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Cats
« Reply #53 on: Apr 25^th, 2005, 2:20pm »

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Hospitals/Drs.
« Reply #54 on: Apr 26^th, 2005, 9:41am »

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How to Prepare for the Hospital
Now, going to the hospital is never a fun to begin with,
but with these tips you should be able to prepare for your
stay, and minimize the discomfort when you get there.

1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe
you with his applicator.

2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage
Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky
down your throat.

3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard
and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.

4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort".

5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.

6. Remove all actual food from the house.

7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.

8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.

9. Rub a bit of honey on your left buttock, drop your pants, go over to a wasps nest, bend over and shake it just a bit.

10. Make sure that there is no toilet paper in your bathroom, eat a bowl of cherries, and have your wife ignore you completely as you plead for here to come and bring you a roll of the paper gold.

11.Call up your local cable company and insist that they charge you a monthly fee every day of the week.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Hospitals/Drs.
« Reply #55 on: Apr 26^th, 2005, 9:43am »

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House Calls
Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was
called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.

The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in
and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a
hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.

A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair
of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. The last request got to
Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"

"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument
bag open."

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Hospitals/Drs.
« Reply #56 on: Apr 26^th, 2005, 9:43am »

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Chest Pains
A man goes to a doctor because of chest pains he's been
having.

The doctor says, "Well, there are two divergent
opinions on how best to treat you. I'm convinced you
need a triple bypass. Your HMO says all you need to do
is rub this $14 tube of salve on your chest."

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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Posts: 4438

Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Hospitals/Drs.
« Reply #57 on: Apr 26^th, 2005, 9:45am »

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Answering machine at the Mental Hospital...

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline ...

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Hospitals/Drs.
« Reply #58 on: Apr 26^th, 2005, 9:54am »

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SIGNS YOU'RE IN A BAD HOSPITAL

*You go in for routine surgery, you come out with a tail.

*You recognize your doctor as kid who was mopping the lobby when you checked in.

*Instead of sponge bath, they send St. Bernard to lick you.

*As you're going under, your surgeon says, "Man, am I baked!"

*In the operating room, you see a surgeon holding a sign that says, "WILL DO SURGERY FOR FOOD!"

*Every couple of minutes, you hear a bugle playing Taps.

*All the diplomas on the wall are signed by Sally Struthers.

*You and your roommate have to take turns on the I.V.

*Through fog of anesthesia, you hear surgeon shouting, "Bring the damn Scotch tape! And plenty of it!"

*Instead of "patient," they use the term "plaintiff."

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Hospitals/Drs.
« Reply #59 on: Apr 26^th, 2005, 11:24am »

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GOOD ONES 14S Cool

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

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