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Topic: Gay Survivor Journal (Read 9982 times)

Rhune
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #15 on: Dec 13^th, 2002, 8:53am »

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Gay Survivor Journal Week 11: Family Thais

Fashionably late, Larry Johnson on Episode 11 of Survivor: Thailand.
BY LARRY JOHSON
Thursday, December 12, 2002

I have received numerous complaints, criticisms, disses, and even death threats (okay, I made that part up for sympathy) because this weeks column is so late. The truth is, my gorgeous young boyfriends high-maintenance older brother was in town, and I was quite honestly in hell. You see, his also-gay brother has a little crush on me (can you blame him?) and this causes much friction and discord, as you may expect. Thankfully, my BF got all the cute genes in his family, so I was not tempted to stray. Nonetheless, I have been busy putting out fires between these two bitches all week, and had no time for my all-important column. (Besides, you people who live for my damn column need to get a life! Put some clothes on, walk to the bus stop, and go somewhere!)

Coincidentally, this was also the week of the family visit that Survivor has each season. I said a small thank you prayer this week to the Survivor gods, for giving me something to write about this week (instead of the Dullest Survivor Finalists Ever.) In a tradition that began well last season I will focus this weeks column not on the Survivors, but instead on their Loved Ones. Yippee.

For those of you who may have missed this weeks hour of nutrient-free filler otherwise known as Survivor Thailand Episode Eleven, the challenge involved yet another puzzle, which Ted and his brother Alwan managed to solve, despite the fact that completely-safe-Ted needed Immunity about as much as even-safer-Helen did last week. (If they tried, they probably couldnt have made it less exciting.) Jake, of course, was unanimously voted off (if he could have voted for himself, he probably would have) thus ending the dullest and most predictable losing streak in Survivor History.

This thing has no where to go but up!

Chuay Jai Tribe

Jake Billingsley
(Deceased 12/5/02) Jakes wife Linda earns Diva Points this week, for her cute-as-a-button (but still age-and-body-type-appropriate) attire. First seen in a mint green v-neck top and white rolled-up jean shorts, then later in a baby blue T-shirt and blue denim short-shorts, she was absolutely adorable! The topper to these perky outfits was her equally-pert grey-blonde bob. You go, girl!

Lindas Quote of the Week:
Youre not gonna ask us to eat that, are you?
Jakes Unintentionally Dirty Quote of the Week:
You gotta swallow it, Jenny baby!
Jakes Bonus Quote of the Week:
(About Jan and Helen, who were excited that the challenge involved food.) The girls came sprinting up here. Now, these are people who can hardly walk, and they sprinted.

Diva Points for Sexy Sexagenarian: 25

Jan Gentry
Jans son Jef (with one f, oddly enough) proved his heterosexuality in two ill-fitting and dull-as-toast outfits. He was first seen in a baggy gray polo and khaki pants, then later in a blue checked shirt (with the same pants.) Both outfits were topped by a white cap, worn backward, in a style which went out approximately ten years ago.

Jans Horny Quote of the Week:
|About Helen and Jims conjugal visit.) We gave them the Honeymoon Suite for the evening, and tried to listen, but we couldnt hear anything.

Fashion Citation for Dull Fashion Conservatism: -25

Helen Glover
It was fitting that Helens husband Jim won the conjugal visit challenge, as he was the loved-one who most matched the Survivors current vagrant-like appearance. In fact, if one had just tuned in this week, one might confuse Jim for one of the other image-challenged finalists. With his scraggly beard, ponytail, and wrinkly black T-shirt, he was a true fashion citation waiting to happen. But then, when he took his shirt off, his Buddha-belly proved that he clearly hadnt been starving himself for the last 30-some days. (Helen, by contrast, has waved goodbye completely to the love handles I commented on in week one.)

Jims Quotes of the Week:
(Sarcastic.) This is lovely. I guess the loser gets two nights out here?
(In confessional.) Im surprised at how proud they are of what theyve done.
(Trying to answer Clays question about Helen, but confused by his hillbilly brogue.) Does she what do you what?

Fashion Citation for Impersonating a Survivor: -25
Best Quotes of Week Eleven: 50

Brian Heidik
Brians wife CC wins Diva of the Week this week, for both Image and Attitude. Her former-softpornstar look was flawlessly sexy, first in a blue bikini top (that accentuated her almost-real-looking breasts) and black surfer-boy shorts (which the cameraman clearly loved) then later in an even cuter floral bikini top and tan short-shorts. (And her Polynesian skin, and thick brown hair, made her seem quite at home in the island paradise.) Her Diva-tude clinched the award this week, though, as she refused to eat bugs with the following quotable quote:

CCs quote of the week:
(To Jeff Probst.) Dude, Im out! No! Brian kills these for me.
Diva of the Week: 50

Clay Jordan
Last season, when Pappys wife came to visit, she received Diva of the Week in a cute-but-classy black ensemble. Clays wife, Linda, attempts this look, with mixed results. While I cant fault her always-in-style black v-neck top and shorts, her dyed-black hair was just a bit too Morticia-fake for my tastes. (Note to Linda: Time for a new hairdresser, girl, this one does not know color!) Later, in her yellow top and blue/yellow floral shorts, she looked like a tacky American tourist arriving in Honolulu. Sorry, Linda, but you earned yourself a double-citation!

Fashion Citation for Deadly Dye: -25
Fashion Citation for Tourist Chic: -25

Ted Rogers Jr.
Teds brother Alwan earns no points from this critic. His attire, which included a navy T-shirt, khaki pants, and a safari hat, then later a gray tank top and olive pants, was unremarkable. The citation comes, though, for his oddly (and grotesquely) long, skinny, braided goatee. Why is it that bald men always feel the need to cultivate unusual facial hair?

Fashion Citation for God-awful Goatee: -25

The Jury

Erin Collins
This week, Erin was seen in a tight black tank, and comfy-casual black slacks. Another winner from the buxom Foreperson!

Penny Ramsey
Penny cleaned up quite nicely this week, in a pretty blue shirt-dress that was almost as sleek as her stunningly clean blonde hair. (And she appears to have found time to shape her eyebrows beautifully.) Its amazing what three days of rest and pampering can do for you!

Ken Stafford
Ken was handsome yet again in a black T-shirt and khakis. His once-sunken cheeks have already rounded back out nicely, as well.

Summary

With Jake out of the way, our new Diva Leader is Brian, with +50 points! (Thanks, CC!) On the other end of the spectrum, Grannys insurmountable lead of -300 points is sure to be a record, most fashion-challenged Survivor ever! (Thanks, Mark Burnett!)

There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.

Previous Gay Survivor Journals

Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary about S5 from a gay point of view. Please check out his new website, http://www.gaycomedyjournals.com

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Rhune
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #16 on: Dec 15^th, 2002, 7:08pm »

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Gay Survivor Journal Week 12 -- The Sands of Thai-me

As it turns out, my prediction that things would get better this week failed to come true.
BY LARRY JOHNSON
Sunday, December 15, 2002

We march forward to an inevitable conclusion which will involve someone I hate beating someone else who I hate in a dreadfully dull final two from hell. Under protest, I am writing this column anyway, so as not to disappoint my many rabid fans. But I cannot do so without a carefully worded complaint:

Mark Burnett, you are a fuckhead.

Now that I have that off my chest

For those of you who gave up weeks ago on this trash, and rely on my column to keep you updated, this weeks wasted-44-minutes-of-VHS-tape included a puzzle-solving challenge (which Brian really won, but Ted managed to steal from him) and a stair building challenge (which Brian won in a cakewalk.) The subsequent booting of Hey!-I-thought-I-was-in-Brians-alliance! Ted was as anti-climactic as an hour of softporn.

Chuay Jai Tribe (AKA The Chuay Gahn Final Five)

Jan Gentry
As much as I love to make fun of Batty Granny Janny, I must admit she is fast becoming my favorite remaining castaway (which honestly isnt saying much.) There hasnt been a character who was this unapologetically alcoholic on prime time TV since the Abfab girls (who I dearly miss.) I must admit, Granny, if I was trapped on an island with these losers, Id drink like a fish too! Her best moment this week was when she put the wine bottle down her top, commenting: and it fits perfectly! Gotta love that! Go, Granny, Go!

Understatement of the Week:
I had some bosoms and now I look kinda like a stick figure.
Insult of the Week:
(To the mirror-hogging boys.) Excuse me, pretty girls?
Diva Points for Inebriation (for Medicinal Purposes): 25

Helen Glover
Even a cynic like myself has to admit that Helens figure has made a drastic improvement since week one. (And I must also admire that she herself realizes there is still more work to be done.) And the sight of Helen, fresh from her shower, with her sleek black hair (though I cant ignore the inch-long gray roots) in her purple silk pajamas (with gold accents, no less) earns her Diva of the Week for the first time. (Admittedly, the competition was not stiff.)

Reality Check of the Week:
I think I still look fat. One look was enough for me, Im like, uh yeah, I still look fat, and uh great, Ive got lines on my face, okay, Im done.

Diva of the Week: 50

Brian Heidik
Brian saw himself in the mirror this week, and realized with a jolt that his porno days are over. (I know the feeling, Brian, Ive been there.) I must admire his leanness, though. Unfortunately, those formerly-tight black gay bondage shorts he wears are now so baggy that he looks like he is carrying a load. (Note to future contestants: Pack your fat clothes and your skinny clothes.)

Overextended Metaphor of the Week:
What skills come into play at this part of the game? Skating skills. Whos the best skater. Ice skater. Cause usually in skating you gotta be ice cold. You cant lose your cool. You gotta be like ice. Mr. Freeze is in the house. Ive got my skates on. (Im afraid Brian may be going the way of Batty Janny.)
Understatement of the Week, Take Two:
My damn teeth are yellow!

Fashion Citation for Saggy and Faggy and altogether Haggy: -25

Clay Jordan
God I hate this weaselly little hilbilly! Poor thing didnt win the challenge. Boo frickin hoo. I can only say: how long does it take to unscramble an eight-letter puzzle! Jeez! If Shii Ann were there, she could have solved it blindfolded, with half of her brain tied behind her back!

Understatement of the Week, Part Three:
Can you believe this? Look at this! Im a nothing! Apparently, Clay is just now realizing he is a zero on a scale of one to ten. Ive been saying it since week one.
Bad Acting of the Week:
(After Ted won the Chevy.) Way to go, Ted.
Fashion Citation for Sore Looserism: -25

Ted Rogers Jr.
(Deceased 12/12/02) Ted receives a Fashion Citation this week for a rather unfortunate incident involving a masseuse, purple silk pajamas, and Teds huge jiggly butt. Sorry, Ted, you may have lost 60 pounds, but in terms of your posterior, there is still more work to be done.

Quote of the Week:
(To Clay, who is staring in the mirror.) Dont look at it too much, we dont want it to break. Overextended Metaphor of the Week, Take Two:
(About his shrinking physique.) This is a lineman? This is like a tight end, a wide receiver. The guns are gone. These guns right here were cannons. I got like 9-millimeters now.
Unintentional Softporn Quote of the Week:
(In the shower.) Oh yeah, boy! Yeah, dog! Oh my gosh! Oooooh!
Bonus Quote of the Week:
(Slurring his words.) My body is drunk, but my mind is clear. When your mind is moosh, thats when youre drunk.
Best Quotes of Week Twelve: 50
Excessive Junk in the Trunk (while Drunk): -25

The Jury (AKA The Sook Jai Final Four)

Jake Billingsley
Jake proved that sixty can still be sexy, in a hunky sleeveless chambray shirt and khaki safari shorts. I can only hope to look that good when Im sixty. (Or to die first.)

Erin Collins
Girl looked fierce yet again in a tight baby blue tank top (she must have one in every color!) blasted jeans, and cute boots. (If this is even possible, her breasts looked bigger than ever.)

Penny Ramsey
Penny looked Diva-gorgeous this week, in a black ruffled spaghetti-strap crop top, light blue jeans, and boots. Man, this girl cleans up good.

Ken Stafford
NYPDs finest was hot as ever in an unassuming olive T-Shirt, and relaxed fit blue jeans.

Summary

Our current Diva Leader is Brian, with an unimpressive +25 points! On the other end of the spectrum, Granny actually started chipping away at her deficit, but is still in the back of the pack with -275.

There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.

Previous Gay Survivor Journals

Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary about S5 from a gay point of view. Please check out his new website, http://www.gaycomedyjournals.com

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Rhune
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Re: Gay Survivor Journal
« Reply #17 on: Feb 10^th, 2003, 11:32am »

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Gay Survivor Journal The Finale: All Thaied Out

Perhaps some of you may be wondering why this column is a little late. Okay, a lot late. Okay, six weeks late. Well, the truth is, reality television has more of a hold on me than I may admit.
BY LARRY JOHNSON
Friday, February 7, 2003

After viewing the Survivor Five finale (worst show ever!) and the subsequent Reunion Show (second worst show ever!) I was left staring at my television, motionless, unable to speak paralyzed by the mind-numbing dullness and predictability of the entire ordeal. Neighbors found me several days later, dehydrated, dazed and emaciated (which is actually a good look for me).

When I came out of my near-coma, I began to question my value systems my faith in mankind and my heretofore-tenuous sanity. After a downward spiral into drinking, debauchery, and full-frontal nudity, I awoke from my vodka-induced haze to realize it was February.

Through it all, my very young and very cute boyfriend stayed by my side, supporting me, but clueless that there was even a problem. (Hes pretty, but hes not all that bright.)

Now, I am on the road to recovery (and feeling very Mariah Careyish). I could not have done it without my many fans. You wrote to me, worried for my health. You wrote to me, concerned for my safety in this cruel world. You wrote to me, pissed off that I dropped off the face of the earth without warning having left my duties unfulfilled. One of you compared me to a boyfriend who borrows $2000 from you and dumps you without so much as a goodbye fuck. (That one hurt.)

So, just in time for a new Survivor to begin, I have decided to correct the sins of my past, and provide a posthumous wrap-up of S5. Enjoy! (If that is humanly possible, given the subject matter.)

For those of you who may have wiped the event from your brain with the toilet tissue I like to call selective memory, the finale episode began with Helen, Brian, Clay and Jan still hanging on for dear life. After two dull challenges (not worth the time to describe here) and two easy victories by Brian, we were left with Brian and Clay in a lesser-of-two-dullards election. Brian, of course, took the prize. (The giant sucking sound that immediately followed was the deafeningly abrupt end of his fifteen-minutes-of-fame.)

The slapdash low-budget-version of the reunion followed, Survivor Africa style, with a seamless (cough, cough) transition from taped to live. (This meant no costume changes for any of our leads how dull for me!)

But you dont come to me for recaps, do you! Let the dissing begin!

Chauy Jai Tribe

Brian Heidek - Winner (Though California law forces him to share it 50/50 with CC.)
Brain wont earn diva points from me this week, as his disheveled-hairy-vagrant look got worse with each passing day. And while I may have praised his black sleeveless T and khaki drawstring pants in the past, by day 36 they were so worn and filthy that I wanted to take a shower just from looking at them. Forced to keep his hair long and his beard full, Brian looked very 70s, and slightly sleeker at the reunion (and noticeably free of body hair I would have liked to see that waxing bill!)

Schizophrenic Quote of the Week:
(To himself, in the mirror.) Excellent job sir! (Patting himself on the back.) Thank you.
Fashion Citation for Vagrant Chic: -25
Overall 13-week score: ZERO

Clay Jordan - Big Fat Loser
Never one of my favorites on the show, Clay earns the distinction of being one of the few Survivors who actually looked substantially worse in the reunion show than he did while on the island. (I didnt think it was possible!) Clay was, of course, forced to wear the same dingy-lemon-yellow T-shirt and floppy olive fishing hat. (Damn that Mark Burnett!) Then, when he felt compelled to remove the hat, a clump of his thinning hair jutted upward like Alfalfa. Adding insult to injury, Clay had gained back all his pre-show weight (and about 35 bonus pounds for good measure) and so in addition to being wrinkled, saggy, and shabbily dressed, now he was also fat. In fact, so fat that I had trouble understanding a word he said because his normally-barely-decipherable voice was rendered completely inaudible among the rustle of his many chins.

Quote of the Week:
(As he was teased about his efforts to make Ghandias float.) Im being nice. No one else would do it.
Fashion Citation for Excessive Weight Regain: -25
Overall 13-week Score: -125
Jan Gentry - Third Place (Better than she - or anyone else on the planet - expected.)

With absolutely no competition remaining, I am forced to give Diva of the Week this week to Jan. (As you know, Diva of the Week can only go to a contestant who is still alive in the game, so Helens extreme-jury-makeover, though notable, cant earn her points this week.) In her royal blue chambray shirt and khaki trousers, she was both age-appropriate and stylish. My question is: Where did she hide these clothes up until now? They looked surprisingly clean and wrinkle-free. Did she win a trip to the Laundromat some unseen challenge? As a jury member (then again at the reunion) Jan wore slim khaki pants and a silky black sleeveless blouse, completing her shockingly-good fashion week!

Quotes of the Week:
(As they were confronted with making Helens float just minutes after booting her off.) Oh shit, thats awful.
(At the reunion.) I really felt like I was a functioning robot. (Really Jan? You were functioning? Did I miss that part?)
Diva of the Week: 50
Overall 13-week score: -225

Helen Glover - Fourth Place (making good on her husbands proclamation that she wont come in third.)
Helen pulls into the Kathy role of most-improved Survivor. Her transformation began as a jury member, first in a tiny black dress with white trim (which was very flattering to her newly-svelte figure) and then later in an even-more-tiny-and-strappy pink and white floral dress. She had to reprise this dress for the reunion, but she did manage to freshen her look, with a new bob cut and color (hiding her formerly-ubiquitous gray widows peak.) You go, girl!

Understatement of the Week:
(About the challenge, though it could refer to her performance in the entire show.) I hate to lose and I hate to look like a fool doing it.
Quote of the Week:
(To Brian.) You are the epitome of the trashy used-car salesman.
Bonus Quote of the Week:
(In her final words.) The three of you that are left, break a leg and I mean it.
Best Makeover: Ineligible for Points
Best Quotes of Week 13: 50
Overall 13-week Score: ZERO

The Jury

Ted Rogers Jr.
Ted looked slim and manicured as a jury member, first in khaki shorts and a ribbed khaki shirt, then in a slimming black v-neck, and finally in an olive leaf pattern silk shirt and matching cargo shorts. Based on his appearance at the reunion, he appears to have kept the weight off, too!

Quotes of the Week:
(About Clay.) Youre nothing more than an ignorant southern redneck hillbilly.
(About Brian.) You sold me your friendship, you sold me your understanding of cultural diversity, and most of all you sold me your word, all to find out that each of those qualities were lemons.
Overall 13-week Score: -50

Jake Billingsley
Jake graced the jury unexcitingly in a range of outfits including olive cargo pants with a short-sleeved silk shirt, black pants with a pale gray sleeveless T, and a khaki bamboo-patterned silk shirt with olive zip-leg pants.

Overall 13-week Score: 50

Penny Ramsey
Penny was ever the Jury Diva in colorful outfits including a gold side-tie sarong, jeans with a pink cutout blouse, and finally a very-fashionable little black dress (which showed plenty of cleavage.)

Overall 13-week Score: 200

Ken Stafford
Ken was unmemorable in risk-free attire including a black T and jeans, a royal blue T and khakis, and a black long-sleeved shirt with casual olive pants. (With a long lean body that would look good in absolutely anything, why make such dull choices, Ken?)

Quote of the Week:
(About Shii-Anns demise after the non-merge.) I know you aint got nothin to do, but you aint doin it here.
Overall 13-week Score: 100

Erin Collins
Erin rivaled Penny in the Diva department, in breast-accentuating attire which included a monochrome cream silk skirt and tank, a tan Thai-flavored blouse and matching short skirt, and finally a black cropped tank and tropical sarong skirt.

Overall 13-week Score: 100

Pre-Jury Reunion Losers

Shii Ann Huang
Girl looked fierce as ever (and very Sex in the City) in a tight black dress, with a hot pink floral blouse, and big pink flower pin. Her hair and makeup were also flawless.

Quote of the Week:
(When asked about the non-merge and how many seconds before you knew you were dead?) About point-two.
Overall 13-week Score: 225

Robb Zbacnik
Living up to his tool reputation, Robb was a complete flop in his rocker jacket, clockwork orange T-shirt, and lame mock-mohawk (complete with orange center streaks.) Dude, this look sucks!

Understatement of the Week:
Im kind of a jerk sometimes.
Overall 13-week Score: -25

Ghandia Johnson
Girlfriend was frightening as ever, in an electric blue Geisha Girl blouse and matching (?) lemon-yellow silk pants. The chopsticks in her nappy bleached-orange hair made the look even more nauseatingly kitchy (and culturally offensive.)

Overall 13-week Score: -50

Jed Hildebrand
Survivor Hottie Jed didnt let me down, in a fashionable brown suede coat and white T. Too bad he only had about one second of screen time (though his charisma-free personality may be to blame for that.)

Overall 13-week Score: 25

Stephanie Dill
Stephanie looked completely different than her island persona in a low-cut chocolate brown top, jeans, and a tan suede fringed jacket. Her sleek hair and smoky eyes were stunning!

Overall 13-week Score: ZERO

Tanya Vance
Tanya was cute as ever, in a jade green necklace and cream crepe blouse. Her sleek hair and smoky eyes were not unlike Stephanies, but Im not complaining. (Too bad though, that her non-waterproof mascara was ruined by Jeffs insensitive personal questions.)

Overall 13-week Score: 75

John Raymond
Pastor John was bland as ever in a charcoal gray jacket and gray T. Note to John: Fashion isnt a sin!

Overall 13-week Score: -25

SUMMARY

Most in Need of an Attitude Adjustment: Robb Zbacnik
Best Quotes of the Season: Shii Ann Huang
Fashion Victim of the Season: Jan Gentry
Runner-up Diva of the Season: Penny Ramsey
And
Diva of the Season: Shii Ann Huang with an impressive 225 Diva Points!

Thank you all for reading my column this season, and against my better judgment, Ill be back for Survivor 6!

There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.

Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary about S5 from a gay point of view. Please check out his new website www.gaycomedyjournals.com.

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