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Topic: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Dogs (Read 2534 times)

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - New Parents
« Reply #15 on: Apr 20^th, 2005, 8:36am »

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Advice from Some Wise Children

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
- Michael, 14

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14

Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9

Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13

Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13

Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11

Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14

Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- Kellie, 11

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
- Naomi, 15

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13

Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - New Parents
« Reply #16 on: Apr 20^th, 2005, 8:36am »

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Jokes for Mommies

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and
forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobic class pulls a hamstring.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch ... do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - New Parents
« Reply #17 on: Apr 20^th, 2005, 9:16am »

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - New Parents
« Reply #18 on: Apr 20^th, 2005, 9:19am »

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"Go Mom Go"

I eat standing up.
I drink leftover milk with graham cracker crumbs floating in it.
I eat the crusts nobody wants.
Once upon a time I had a stomach that didn't fall to the floor.
Once I had hips that didn't serve as a baby saddle.
Once I even had breasts that weren't on call 24 hours a day -- and "will
it show milk stains" wasn't my criterion for choosing an outfit.
If you emptied out my purse, you'd find: diapers (new and used), a plastic bag of Cherrios, a leaky Tommy Tippy cup, a handful of napkins from McDonald's, a sandy pacifier, a soggy piece of bagel, a bottle of baby Tylenol and a rectal thermometer.

You know me.

I'm bleary eyed from being up all night with a teething baby and teary-eyed
from worrying about a toddler that refuses to eat. I'm damp with baby drool,
and I have oatmeal in my hair. (I think my sweater's on inside out, but hey,
at least I'm dressed.)
I can't remember the last time I had a whole night's sleep.
The only book I've read in the past 6 months is "Good Night Moon."
I never get to finish a senten....
I love my husband, but (yawn) ... zzzzzzzzzz.
Don't ask me if I've seen any good movies lately. I have, if you count the Little Mermaid, Pete Pan, and Cinderella.
I know all the names of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles by heart, AND what color each of them wears.
I say "Cowabunga, dude," when the pizza's delivered.
I used to be reasonably intelligent, pondering the deep secrets of the universe.
I spent many years in college preparing myself for the great challenges of life.
Now I find myself wondering such things as: If Bert and Ernie aren't related, why do they sleep in the same room? And, where are their parents?
I remember when getting together with friends meant stimulating conversation
about current events, love and the meaning of life. Now we talk for hours
about the color of the contents of our babies' diapers. Should we go from breast to bottle to cup? Skip bottles altogether? Which is better, cloth or disposable? Pacifiers or thumbs? Know any good potty-training tips?
Maybe you've seen me at church. I'm the one with my skirt on backwards, or
the entire inner-facing of my dress hanging out. In my rush to get everybody else dressed, I often forget to check my own appearance. (Oh, I want to thank you for not laughing at my one eye made up and my other one bare. In the middle of doing my make-up, someone emptied the flour canister onto the kitchen floor and I never got around to finishing my eyes.)
I know you don't know my first name-- I don't have one anymore. I answer to my child calling Mom, Mommy, Mama, or WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
To be honest, I don't even remember my first name -- I've stop using it myself. When speaking, I simply refer to myself as, "Mommy." "Mommy says to stop poking the cats ears." "Mommy's ears can't hear whining." "Yes, Mommy's wearing her angry face."
"If you don't stop kicking Mommy, Mommy's going to lose it."
Maybe you saw me lose it one day in the Toys R Us parking lot. With one child kicking the back of my car seat, and another one chanting "I wanna go to the park! I wanna go to the park!" I lost it. Slammed on the brakes and ran out of the car screaming, "Calgon take me away!" The kids still refer to it as "the time Mommy went cuckoo."
But I have my good days, too.
Days when we get through breakfast without Cream of Rice on the wall.
Days when the cat doesn't end up in the toilet.
Days when everyone takes a nap at the same time.
On those days I feel powerful. In control.
On those days, I can do it all.

I am MOMMY, hear me roar.
I can nurse a baby and cook dinner at the same time.
I can nurse a baby, read a magazine,
AND tie shoes at the same time. I can even nurse a baby,
AND talk on the phone, AND fold laundry
AND watch Oprah all at the same time.
You know who I am.
I'm a Mommy.
And I don't even need an American Express card to prove it.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - New Parents
« Reply #19 on: Apr 20^th, 2005, 9:20am »

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The First Parent

by Bill Cosby

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.

After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?", Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."

"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"

"It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Adam answered.

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - New Parents
« Reply #20 on: Apr 20^th, 2005, 9:21am »

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You want children?
Are You Ready for Children?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - New Parents
« Reply #21 on: Apr 20^th, 2005, 9:22am »

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Parent's Dictionary of Meanings

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - New Parents
« Reply #22 on: Apr 20^th, 2005, 9:23am »

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My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:

Feeling the Baby Move

First Child: I placed my hand on my wive's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.

Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.

Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.

The Trip to the Hospital

First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.

Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.

Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.

Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.

The First Step

First Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" X 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.

Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.

Third Child: We couldn't find the video-camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we ever got the roll developed.

Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn't grab it.

The First Time the Child Fell and Got a Cut

First Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.

Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.

Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.

Fourth Child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he stopped crying.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - New Parents
« Reply #23 on: Apr 20^th, 2005, 11:12am »

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Evolution of Mom
The Evolution of Mom

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes -

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name -

1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth -

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette -

1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries -

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities -

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out -

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home -

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - New Parents
« Reply #24 on: Apr 20^th, 2005, 11:15am »

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A Mother's Dictionary
=======================================
amnesia:
A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to
have sex again.

bottle feeding:
An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2AM, too.
defense:
What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de
children play outside.

drooling:
How teething babies wash their chins.

dumbwaiter:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

family planning:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep
you on the edge of financial disaster.

feedback:
The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.

full name:
What you call your child when you're mad at him.

grandparents:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though
they're sure you're not raising them right.

hearsay:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

impregnable:
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

independent:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we
say.

look out!:
What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream
it.

prenatal:
When your life was still somewhat your own.

prepared childbirth:
A contradiction in terms.

puddle:
A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes into it.

show off:
A child who is more talented than yours.

sterilize:
What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to
your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

storeroom:
The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that
children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

temper tantrums:
What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

top bunk:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

two-minute warning:
When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those
familiar grunting noises.

verbal: Able to whine in words

weaker sex:
The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

whodunit:
None of the kids that live in your house.

whoops:
An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - New Parents
« Reply #25 on: Apr 20^th, 2005, 12:07pm »

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - New Parents
« Reply #26 on: Apr 20^th, 2005, 1:12pm »

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THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - New Parents
« Reply #27 on: Apr 20^th, 2005, 1:12pm »

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Should kids witness a birth? A true story:

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labor, she called "911."

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - New Parents
« Reply #28 on: Apr 20^th, 2005, 7:00pm »

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Advice from some wise children....
every one a pearl! :daisy:

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Housework
« Reply #29 on: Apr 21^st, 2005, 9:45am »

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Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." "I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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