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   Celebreality: The 'Stars' Are Elbowing In

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MzzJoplin
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Celebreality: The 'Stars' Are Elbowing In
« on: Jan 7^th, 2003, 11:45am »

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Celebreality: The 'Stars' Are Elbowing Their Way In
By JOYCE MILLMAN

In the 500-channel universe, dead shows don't get to rest in peace. Yet ABC's "Battle of the Network Stars" has managed to vanish completely from the rerun afterlife. An occasional quasi-sports competition that ran from 1976 to 1988, "Battle of the Network Stars" featured teams of celebrities from ABC, CBS and NBC (back when there were just three networks) going head to head in everything from flag football to kayak racing to Simon Says. At the play-by-play mike sat Howard Cosell, his sarcasm oddly muffled. Or maybe he just didn't care anymore.

Most of the celebrities, though, seemed to take things way too seriously. Everybody who was anybody in prime time suited up for "Battle of the Network Stars" it was like Emmy night with taunting and a dunk tank. Which led to memorable incidents, like Robert Conrad, the competition-crazed captain of the NBC team, crowing over a foot race and making the ABC captain, Gabe ("Welcome Back, Kotter") Kaplan, so mad that he dug down deep and blew Mr. Conrad off the track.

"Battle of the Network Stars" was a celebrity peep show, with egos as exposed as a Charlie's Angel in a wet T-shirt (of which it offered many glimpses). It was utter trash, and it was delicious. Back then, though, we didn't know that it would spawn an entire genre, that way off in 2003 we'd summon our fuzzy memories of Grizzly Adams and the Incredible Hulk straining at opposite ends of a tug-of-war rope and realize that we'd witnessed the dawn of celebreality.

Celebreality, the junk genre du jour, turns the notion of reality TV upside down. Instead of real people acting like celebrities on shows like "Survivor," "Big Brother" and "The Bachelor," celebreality gives us celebrities acting like real people on shows like "The Osbournes," "The Anna Nicole Show" and "Celebrity Boot Camp." I'm using the term "celebrity" loosely here we're not talking about Russell Crowe, Julia Roberts and Dame Judi Dench eating bugs and scrubbing latrines.

No, the celebrities of celebreality are a motlier crew, like, well, Motley Crue's Vince Neil, the former rap superstar M. C. Hammer and the wee ex-Michael Jackson ornament Emmanuel ("Webster") Lewis. Those three will be setting up housekeeping together on Thursday in "The Surreal Life" on WB, a celebreality spin on MTV's "Real World." Not to be outdone, ABC sends a Baldwin brother (Stephen), a supermodel (Frederique) and a former "L.A. Law" star (Corbin Bernsen) to Hawaii for "Celebrity Mole Hawaii," beginning Wednesday.

Celebreality is awash in one-hit wonders (Vanilla Ice, Tiffany) and "Baywatch" babes (Gena Lee Nolin, Traci Bingham), former child stars (Barry Williams) and former child stars with police records (Todd Bridges), repeat offenders (Tonya Harding) and star witnesses (Kato Kaelin). Our digital-cable-and-gossip-driven culture creates new stars every day, and most of them can't really do anything. So celebreality has replaced the variety shows of yore; it's a showcase for stars who have little to offer beyond being famous.

Just a couple of seasons ago, when "Survivor" and "Big Brother" were at their hottest, the future looked bleak indeed for established celebrities; they found their places on "Access Hollywood" usurped by first-name-only reality show sensations like Richard and Brittany and Chicken George. Suddenly, anybody could be a star reality TV was the great equalizer. But it soon became obvious that the equality of reality TV cut both ways. It doesn't take talent to spend two months under "Big Brother" house arrest or to stand atop a post in a lake for eight hours. It takes only stamina and desperation. And a light bulb flashed over every once-glittering Hollywood head: Hey, I can do that!

Soon, celebrities were elbowing their way into the reality action. Donny Osmond was buried in insects on a celebrity edition of NBC's "Fear Factor." Barry ("The Brady Bunch") Williams and Danny ("The Partridge Family") Bonaduce slugged it out on Fox's "Celebrity Boxing." "The Osbournes" on MTV inspired the celebrity vérité series "The Anna Nicole Show" on E! (which makes "The Osbournes" look like the PBS classic "An American Family"). We were denied (or spared) a peek into the alternative reality of Liza Minnelli and David Gest when VH1 pulled the plug on their proposed series. But viewers who are fascinated by notoriously volatile stars can take heart: Roseanne is coming back to television, and she's bringing a celebreality camera crew with her.

There's a celebreality show born every minute, it seems, and the premises are getting weirder. Ever wonder what it would be like to date Eddie Munster, or Screech from "Saved by the Bell"? Well, now you can spy on faded, mate-seeking celebrities as they go on blind dates in the E! series "Star Dates." Britain's Channel 5 is sending a group of celebrities, including the singer Kim Wilde and the comedian Richard Blackwood, to an island off the coast of Thailand, where they'll be put on a strict "detoxifying" regimen of fasting, colonics and oral enemas. And ABC is planning an American version of the British hit "I'm a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here!," a sort of celebrity "Survivor." (CBS and the producers of "Survivor" have filed suit against ABC and Granada TV in federal court, charging trademark infringement and unfair competition.) "I'm a Celebrity . . ." will run for 15 consecutive nights later this season, and each night, viewers get to phone in and vote a different celebrity off the island. You have to admit, there is a certain French Revolution allure to the concept of stars at the mercy of the harsh whims of the common folk, especially when the common folk have speed dial.

If that sounds cruel, it is. Cruelty is the main draw of reality shows, and it doesn't matter whether it's nobodies or celebrities on the receiving end of the mockery. Come to think of it, the best thing you can say about celebreality is that at least the celebs who go on these shows understand what they're getting into. They're no strangers to public humiliation, having been arrested, stood trial, posed nude, battled addictions, got divorced, gone bankrupt, made flop movies, been canceled and generally failed, all in the glare of the spotlight. At this point in their careers, being ridiculed is their career, so why not capitalize on it?

And in a hall-of-mirrors twist, the noncelebrities who became celebrities on reality shows can now appear as celebrity guests on other reality shows. Two former "Survivor" contestants and two former players on MTV's "Road Rules" make up a celebrity team in the latest "Eco-Challenge" competition (produced by Mark Burnett, the creator of "Survivor"), which will be shown on USA next spring. Darva Conger, the bride from Fox's notorious "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?," sparred with the Olympic gymnast Olga Korbut on "Celebrity Boxing 2."

Even more intriguing than the tail-chasing nature of reality show stardom is the speed with which networks abandon the reality formula when ratings start to flag. How do you spark viewer interest and distinguish your reality show from everybody else's? Easy replace the real people with famous people, as "Fear Factor," the British "Celebrity Big Brother" and Fox's "Boot Camp" have done. There's even a whole new subcategory of celebrities who are trying to make comebacks as celebreality contestants. Barry Williams currently holds the title for the most overexposed celebreality star, with appearances on "Celebrity Boxing," "Fear Factor" and "Celebrity Boot Camp." The rapper Coolio is a close second.

Why do celebrities do it, especially stars like Hammer and Ms. Korbut, who have tasted the intoxicating, elusive brew of true success? Because they know that nothing impresses the stern but forgiving American public as much as a spectacular fall from grace, followed by a laying bare of faults and a slow trudge toward redemption. Celebreality shows could turn out to be the next cool badge of honor, like being the subject of a "Behind the Music." They give waning stars the chance to earn back public admiration by playing a more flattering version of themselves contrite but not without a sense of humor, scraping bottom, perhaps, but pluckily fighting their way back. More than anything, celebreality stars want to be seen as good sports. Which brings me back to my original point: Why doesn't somebody revive "Battle of the Network Stars"? The time is right. And, you know, there's one former football announcer-turned-star of a televised double-murder trial who just might be perfect for Cosell's old job.

« Last Edit: Jan 7^th, 2003, 11:46am by MzzJoplin »

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